


Love Crisis

by DrowningLetters



Series: Unrequited Love Series [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Smut, Unrequited Love, fluff if you squint hard, i promise no one will die lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:33:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 28,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24503926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrowningLetters/pseuds/DrowningLetters
Summary: Friends with benefits, one-sided love. Donghyuck for Mark's love decides to go to a club with him. What happens that night makes him realize that maybe he deserved to be treated better. He was seriously done with this pain he has felt for as long as he remembers.So Donghyuck decides to stop their deal...
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Kim Jungwoo/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Mark Lee, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Lee Jeno, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Mark Lee/Na Jaemin
Series: Unrequited Love Series [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1781440
Comments: 141
Kudos: 286





	1. It hurts

**Author's Note:**

> I suck at titles and summaries, but I make hella good drama tho ;)

Lee Donghyuck had no right to feel heartbroken whenever his flatmate, Mark Lee comes back from a turbulent night out - probably got a life fucked out of him with yet another stranger justifying the way he looked spent and tired. Nevertheless, he smiled at the younger - there was something about the way he smiled; the way butterflies seemed to escape from the pit of Donghyuck's stomach and the way the sun had somehow toppled down from the sky and made a home right there in his heart. 

He was head over heels for Mark. And it hurt him because he agreed to something he desperately fails to keep a promise. Donghyuck is Mark's friend, a friend with benefits. So, even if Mark has the access to get into Donghyuck's pants whenever he feels like it, the younger of two never seems to be enough for him. Or so Donghyuck concluded, otherwise why the hell would Mark fuck anyone else except him. He was not enough, and if he ever thought spreading his legs for the latter was the only solution to keep him for himself, he was wrong. Because he was not enough, never enough to him.

Once again Donghyuck's emotions turn jagged and his insides tighten. He inwardly cries out to those in reach, recalling what his heart longed to tell his friend, "I love you, please help me. Come sit with me; hold my hand. Eat chips with me. Call me friend. Look into my eyes, connect, because I'm falling."

He waits, wide-eyed, heart in his mouth, hoping for kindness, for reciprocated feelings. He needs a hug, even if it is just words. He needed soothing like a child. Instead they balk, "This isn't a great time. So much on at work and Renjun is away on a trip. Let's just say I'll call you when everything's over and we can organize a night out or something like that, hm?", Mark never called. He ended up going to club with his colleagues, spending a night in someone else's embrace when Donghyuck spends yet another sleepless night in the wonder of whom Mark kisses and touches, holding the way he's being held.

"But I need help now, I'm lonely. I feel so abandoned. Just come, just help me. Won't you please, please help me? Say I can come to see you; we'll just be together. I need you, need company. It would help so much." was left unspoken because Donghyuck had no right to vocalize what he feels because, at the end of the day, this was what he agreed to. A no strings attached relationship having no clue what kind of consequences follow up his blind trust in such an affair to develop into something more. He was a fool.

Most of his time Donghyuck would spend contemplating breaking up his contract with the devil himself, many thoughts consuming his turbulent mind. Donghyuck was adept had to hide his broken insides thinking Mark wanted the happy version of him, the one with the instant smile and the warm things to say. It was his role in Mark's life and he would adapt to nothing else. And so over the time his loneliness grew, his heart aching. Mark could be broken and expect Donghyuck's comfort and patience, many times led to fucking his brains out, he could show his scars and the youngest of two would always help. 

Yet if Donghyuck was sad for more than a few hours, a day even, Mark's impatience grew. Then he would stop himself, swallow down that bitter pill and continue, giving the older the impression that a little "tough love" had been all he needed. But there came a day when Donghyuck found himself unable to mask the hurt, unable to just switch on his happy side and act as if nothing wrong had ever happened... and that is where his problems began. That is when Donghyuck's facade starts to crumbling down, emanating all hidden emotions he swore he'd never let them see the light of the day. 

\--------------

The club is electric tonight, everyone feeding off of the smiles and fast dancing. It seems that everyone could go like this all night long, feet moving to the crazy beat as they belong to the music. Donghyuck moves closer to his friend, Mark who asked him earlier today whether he'd be up for going to a club tonight which he didn't mind, but felt slightly offended as the latter either forgot or ignored the fact that Donghyuck utterly, strongly dislikes any kinds of clubs. To Donghyuck, spending a night by going clubbing was out of the option - sweaty bodies glued together, the fine line between sexual tension and harassment never knowing which one is exactly taking action, drunkenness and booze filling the non-existent air and a banging sound coming out of the roof speakers loud enough to make one go deaf. 

He absolutely despised clubs, but this was probably the only way to spend more time with Mark, deep inside keeping his eye on his friend and make sure he'll end up leaving with him to go home. Go home. Their home. Donghyuck's train of thoughts was interrupted when he bumped into Mark's shoulder who suddenly stopped walking just now noticing their first stop is a bar counter - neon lights decorating its length, a variety of drinks being served at the top of it. Mark leaned over the bar a bartender he obviously was familiar to, a guy looking too young yet born for this job, Donghyuck notices. The way this tall, lanky person handles countless of glasses in his hands with different types of bottled drinks within a span of milliseconds, his charming smile reaching eyes they finally focus on the person calling for him. He smiles like he's happy right to his soul like there is no part of him that sadness dwells. He has no mannerisms that show the damage of any kind; he's perfection right down to his micro-expressions. No, Donghyuck was not envious or jealous, not at all.

A mentioned person reaches over the bar to greet Mark with a fist bump, his ruffled red hair making him look handsome, adorable, and sexy at the same time. Again, Donghyuck convinces himself no jealousy is coming up the surface. He is totally fine. 

"Mark! It's been a while since I saw you. How's it going? Who is the cutie behind you?"

A red-haired man looking pass Mark, intrusive look in his eyes upon observing Donghyuck's coy posture clearly showing how uncomfortable he feels when the spotlight is on him. The bartender finds it totally adorable so he averts eyes back to Mark who somewhat looks agog with a hint of pride radiating out of the darkening pupils. Summing 2 and 2, a red-haired bartender assumes they got to be in some type of relationship, unless...

"Is this the cute boy you spoke of last time you were here with your colleagues?"

Though the red-haired guy seems so warm Donghyuck feels like he is in the wrong place, as if such comfort in the bartender's eyes is only meant for others. Overwhelmed by being observed as some kind of experiment, he pins closer to Mark who rather feels unsettled at the moment, confusion plastered on Donghyuck's face. Was Mark really talking about him to other people? Somewhere at the back of his mind, feeling of happiness looking like a cloudless day; the kind of day when you don't notice the weather at all. The sky is blue, it isn't warm or cold and you've stopped noticing the delicate flowers that bloomed only a few weeks ago. It's perfect but quite untreasured until the rain comes.

And the rain came all too fast when he hears Mark subtly whispering 'it is not him, okay?' to the amused looking bartender whose name he had yet to learn.

"Sorry for not introducing myself earlier, love. My name is Jungwoo but you can call me Zeus, most of the people know me for my alter-ego. At night Zeus, over the day a regular guy named Jungwoo.", was a quite introduction intriguing Donghyuck to the point he let his guards down while starting to loosen a bit of pent up tension he didn't even notice before.

Jungwoo winks at him in a flirty manner as Mark interrupts with a loud throat-clearing sound, turning back to Donghyuck to ask what he would like to drink.

Donghyuck mutters 'Mai Tai' before taking a seat beside Mark who got comfortable on the barstool the moment they approached the bar. Within a second, Jungwoo served them their drinks as Mark turned around to observe today's situation which makes Donghyuck feel even more uncomfortable and insecure about whether it was a good idea to join Mark in the first place. Sick beats kept blasting out of the speakers when a mass of people started screaming in unison as they clearly enjoyed the moment of a complete mess of bodies entangled on the dancefloor; everyone touching everyone. The kind of freedom Donghyuck saw for the first time because, well, it is his first time observing the crowd on the dancefloor. 

His eyes roamed all over the place, settling finally on a blonde-headed guy on the stage who obviously performs a DJ role - water being thrown at the wilding crowd. It was pretty hectic and a bit too much for Donghyuck's liking. Out of nowhere, Jungwoo reappears by their side, looking in the same direction of Donghyuck's eyes when a smile creeps up his face. 

"That is Yukhei, also know as Lucas, best DJ in this club, and if you'd ask for my personal opinion - in the world."

Startled Donghyuck shifts eyes to Jungwoo who's own pair of ones keeps looking at the named DJ with a familiar glint in his pupils. Donghyuck comes to the realization that this Lucas guy seems to be someone close to Jungwoo.

"I mean, it has nothing to do with the fact that he's your boyfriend, right? That is your objective opinion.", with a smirk working up Mark's features, he teases the bartender who blinks in a surprise as his cheeks kissed pink like a spring rose tint. It looked moderately adorable to Donghyuck but he then shifts gaze to Mark who's tense eyes looked back at him as if to make his heart flutter on purpose. Donghyuck immediately drops his gaze down to which Jungwoo giggles slightly piecing the puzzle together to create the picture of what can be interpreted as the current situation between the two young lads. 

Awkwardness starts to fill the air but Markdowns the burning liquid before approaching closer to Donghyuck to whisper.

"I'll head to the dance floor, you coming?"

While Donghyuck loved to dance, he didn't feel like having someone grope his sides on the dance floor - it really looked like an abused chessboard. On it's black and white squares were spilled drinks and broken glass. With the lights up the whole scene that had seemed so exciting and sexual only minutes before now had all the ambiance of a dirty toilet. It was still crowded tho. People do not have in plan to go home tonight, it is an infinite dancing chain of ecstasy. 

"Suit yourself.", was accompanied by a shrug as Mark didn't bother to plead the younger taking it as a sign to go off and disappear into the crowd. A dismal sigh rolls off Donghyuck's lips when a sudden tap on his shoulder makes him turn around to meet with Jungwoo's empathic smile; he was reading him thoroughly. It's funny because they've known each other for a few minutes and yet the latter was reading him like an open book. This made Donghyuck wonder if Mark was really blind to his feelings or if the chose to ignore it. It hurt.

"Sweetie, you don't let your man go to the dancefloor alone."

Donghyuck only looks back at Jungwoo who probably pities him, hence, he's making him a company. A company he wished someone else was. A glass of whiskey slides right to his elbow which Donghyuck took right into his hand - swirled the whiskey in his glass, listening to the chinking of the ice cubes, breathing in a fragrance that only years in an oak barrel can achieve. It has been a long time he drank something as strong. Downing in one go, he feels the liquid surging through his throat, making its path down to his lungs further stomach. It feels good, it takes the pain away for a moment.

"I knew it would help you. The way you feel, it ain't healthy."

The words to which Donghyuck scoffs. Words! Mere words! How terrible they were! How clear, and vivid and cruel! How true they sounded. Right then and there, Donghyuck could crumble and scream loudest sobs but he focuses his eyes on the crowd ahead only, following the raven mop of hair going into depth of the human ocean, drifting away from his sight, slipping through his fingers.

This annoying pang in his chest. Donghyuck had it coming. Because he was stupid. Stupid for loving someone who obviously had no respect for him. Most importantly, Donghyuck felt mad at himself. He had no right to feel the way he does. 

Mark is not his. Never was, and never will be.

...

He had a kind of understated beauty, perhaps it was because he was so disarmingly unaware of his prettiness. His blissful skin was completely flawless. He was all about simplicity, making things easy, a social butterfly. Perhaps that is why his skin glowed so, it was his inner beauty that lit his eyes and softened his features. When she smiled and laughed Mark couldn't help but smile along too, even if it was just on the inside. To be in his company was to feel that the raven-haired lad too was someone, that he had been warmed in summer rays regardless of the season.

Mark finally sees the beauty. He sees his one-night stand again.

"Finally, seeing you again...", comes out of his mouth unexpectedly, muffled with the sound of music and noises made by hundreds of people surrounding them. He leans closer, limbs automatically embracing male's waist in order to pull him closer, feel his body against his own, again. The boy was prettier than anyone, Donghyuck might be considered as his only match. Still, he is more drawn to this beautiful creature. This God-like creature.

"Fancy meeting you again, Mark-ssi. I can never forget your scent.", is whispered in his right ear sending waves of shivers down his spine when he feels the latter's hands clasp around his neck. It looked and felt intimate. Their bodies pressed hot against each other, warmth spreading through the veins, eyes looking as if devouring the sight ahead.

"Jaemin-ah..."

"Surprised how you remember my name that well. I am your one-night stand, after all."

"Hard to forget someone like you."

His heart shouldn't flutter the way it does but still. It flutters. Despite tons of times telling himself, he shouldn't fall for a stranger, he eventually failed to keep faithful to this sacred oath. He was falling for the dark-haired man who's hands held him tight in a strong and firm embrace. 

  
Inside the club it was like dancing on the Northern Lights; beneath the dry-ice smoke swirled an array of blues, acid greens, hot pinks, and gold. The music played over the dance floor as if it had fused with the bodies. His body felt heavy, head filled with thousands of thoughts yet empty. It is safe to say that Donghyuck's had enough alcohol in the system to muster some courage and go through the wall of people in hopes to find a familiar mop of hair. Jungwoo barely realizes and before he can act on time, Donghyuck already on his way to the dance floor. 

Sweat, alcohol, and cigars all combined together made him feel quite nauseous. He dragged his feet by bumping into a couple of people who could care less for his existence, but he keeps going further and deeper into the crowd just to come across one person he's been looking for. He's been looking at, and he's been immediately sobered up. 

Mark had this beautiful boy close to himself; grinding and grazing. They seemed to be in their own world, a world Donghyuck clearly had no participation in. It's like a void. A dark void. A never-ending dark void that consumes everything, so your left feeling nothing. Empty. Nothing to subside your hollow soul that creeps in the shadows, away from any other human life because it's emptiness is so consuming it can't bear to pretend that everything is okay. 

Donghyuck knew right there and then he was tired of pretending to be one of Mark's fucktoys. The way they looked at each other. Pure lust and attraction. Same look him and Mark shared in the heat of sex. This was reserved for him and him only. Except, it wasn't.

Furious feet going straight to target, he was no more intoxicated. He was as sober as day. And angry. And hurt. And in pain. And his heart is bleeding. He wants to cry.

Mark notices him, panic evident in his eyes as if being caught red-handed. Why was there any need to feel that way? It isn't like they were in a relationship. They are not, and yet he feels like he fucked up somewhere along this twisted path he was blindly led through.

Mark also planned to go with the pink-haired boy in his arms somewhere, Donghyuck concludes by the way their feet have been pointed to the exit of the club.

_He was fucking planning to leave me alone here?_

With each approach, Donghyuck feels dying a bit more inside. When you look into the eyes of someone you have learned to love along with bad habit of sharing plain, cotton sheets with, it seeps through the layers of skin - your dictionary doesn't recognize a no. Donghyuck cannot say no to Mark. He cannot say no to make him breakfast in the mornings or when he asks him to cook his favorite dish. He cannot say no when Mark comes home drunk and asks him to bathe with him. He cannot say no when Mark asks to come to the party his mates organize because he needs someone to drive him back. He cannot say no when Mark pulls him into a hug, then his hands slide down his sides; pretty much like they are positioned now - around unknown boy's waist. He cannot say no to Mark's needs, Mark's selfishness, Mark's want, Mark's face, Mark's lips, eyes, hands...he cannot say no to Mark. But this time, he will.

Jaemin looks worriedly at Mark who's eyes seem to look at something, or rather, someone else so he follows to the direction of what could possibly gain his attention.

A boy, clearly of their age. Bright as sun skin, honey-painted silky hair with a dash of milky white highlights here and there, heart-shaped pinkish soft lips, almond-shaped eyes telling the story of someone who is hurt, evidently harmed. Emotionally pained. 

What is about to happen now? Who was the boy? Why was he looking at Mark, and why did Mark look back at him? They cannot be...they aren't. Together.

"Where did you head to?", Donghyuck asks firmly feeling the tears at the corners of his eyes threatening to fall, lower lip trembling slightly. Mark refuses to look away from Donghyuck, a pissed off look he wore was becoming more evident within each second passing by. The guts he had, the audacity to feel that way.

Instead of ignoring, Mark retorts.

"What the fuck are you doing right now?"

Jaemin watches both of them being oblivious to his existence as he observes the situation developing before his own eyes. An urge to throw up increasing minute by minute when the dots connect and he realizes the connection between the two of them. It is one thing when you say you are a one-night stand and a completely another when you confirm it with your own eyes. 

Donghyuck looks at Jaemin for the first time. There is something in his spirit that dances when he plays, like a fire giving just the right amount of warmth. Donghyuck had seen it die too, right now, the flames almost extinguished, when the pink-haired boy probably feels under the gun of guilt, shame, and fear. Almost guilt-tripped, Donghyuck focuses his tense gaze on the latter of three. As if to beg him for mercy, for understanding, for compassion and comfort.

Jaemin realizes soon he's stepped between two fires. He nods back at a relieved boy whose eyes spoke more than a thousand words. Jaemin liked Mark, the boy loved him with his own life. And his world started to fall apart. Out of nowhere, comes a hand on his shoulder in a tight grip. He turns around to see a familiar pair of eyes looking at him, support swimming in darkening pupils as a warning sign.

"I think we should part our ways, Mark-ssi.", yells Jaemin over loud music while mustering all his strength to look up into the older boy. Mark is in shock to say the least. So many things happened in such a short time-lapse. Donghyuck found out about his booty call. Why did he feel guilt? Why did he feel as if being caught cheating on him?

Was he really planning to leave him alone and go fuck the life out of Jaemin?

White knuckles from clenching his fist too hard, and gritted teeth from effort to remain silent, he hunched form exuded an animosity that was like acid - burning, slicing, potent. His face was red with suppressed rage, and when Donghyuck even set a finger on his shoulder, Mark swung around and mentally snapped. Jaemin was long gone with his friend. Donghyuck didn't fail to notice the emotion he saw in his eyes. He looked into his own ones. The boy probably felt the same way he felt about Mark. Empathy and comfort lingered in their short gaze exchange. They left, but Donghyuck and Mark remained nailed to the same spot they stood for minutes already.

"What the fucking fuck? Why did you do that, Donghyuck?"

Why did he do it? Why did he ruin Mark's sexcapade? 

"You were planning to leave me in the club to go fuck that boy, right? Alone. In the club I have entered for the first time in my life.", was all Donghyuck could mutter when they exited the club, Mark walking fast in front of him as if avoiding any possible confrontation. The previous sickness came back, Donghyuck might throw up by the time they reach their shared apartment.

He felt sick. He felt disgusting. And disgusted.

All of a sudden, Mark turns around and yells.

"I wouldn't fucking leave you in the club. Besides, you were left with Jungwoo-"

"Who is your friend, whom I have no clue of and don't know anything about. You would entrust me to your friend I met hours ago? Just to fuck some random boy in the club? I that much irrelevant in your life?"

This was enough to seal his chapped lips tight as he looks at the latter in front of him. This time, he really looks at him. Broken and tired. Tired of his own bullshit. 

Mark ran his hand through his side cropped hair three times in quick succession and fixed Donghyuck in a stare that could have frozen the World ocean. He snarled more than spoke. "Don't fucking assume things. I would have come after you. You know I would never leave you behind."

No strength left enough to fight, Donghyuck passes Mark by with heavy but fast steps because he is fucking tired. And he wants to cry his heart out. And he doesn't want to show his weakness to Mark. No. He doesn't deserve to see him in his rawest form. Mourning over unrequited love. Love isn't never-ending, it just fades away until there is nothing there except a hollow heart. And Donghyuck feels his love becoming a silent killer instead of source of joy. The joy he never in fact felt. 

And Mark looks at Donghyuck's body outline distancing more and more when a holler escapes his filthy lips.

"FUCK!"


	2. All hell breaks loose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All hell break's loose when they encounter...

Donghyuck knew the moment he started to cry, he was alone. He cried slowly, with tears dripping down his temples and the soft hum of his own voice echoing throughout the room. He knew he existed and breathed. It was as simple and beautiful as the strumming of a guitar. Yet, he meant nothing to him. He was alone, sinking deeper and deeper within his own music.

The rest of the world could be seen, drifting farther and farther away as teardrops made up his ocean. They fell into his parted lips and stuck to his eyelashes. He could taste them, rolling down his parched throat. He was alone. Mark did not come after him and to be frank, Donghyuck could give a shit about him at the moment. All he wanted was to cry until he could no longer feel consciousness - pass out into the abyss, a nothingness where nothing happens and it keeps not happening. He has had it enough. Done pretending to be fine when he clearly wasn't, and will never be. Done putting up with Mark's shit, and his own as well. Done with self-degradation, self-consciousness, and self-hatred. Done with loving Mark and letting him have his way. Done with his life the way it is.

Done with the entire day when his eyes flutter close when his thoughts became nonsense, and all the more interesting for it, he knew he was falling asleep. Now all he had to do was let go. And let go he did.

...

The stairs Mark usually takes two at a time are a mountain to be negotiated on all fours. His arms flap down on the carpet too hard, and with each push his back end sways like a horse under tranquilizer. His stomach begins to heave in a sickly way and his head is spinning in a way that just makes no sense. It's like the whole house just got put on a carousel, slow at first but gaining momentum. Then like a balloon just got inflated in his stomach everything ate and drunk for the past couple of hours is racing to be expelled. Vomit. There's vomit on the carpet in front. A small light appears at the very top of the stairs, probably coming out of the narrow hallway and a familiar voice shatters silence sounding twice louder in Mark's hammering head.

"What the fucking fuck, Mark?"

Johnny Suh was a young man of twenty-six or twenty-seven, with burgundy red hair, chiseled jawline, sharp coffee-brown eyes, a tall and broad frame, and a general air of deprecating repose. A favorite son of two, Mark's older brother in a full-light of his calm posture judging from the top of the stairs what could be described as looking down on a failure of his baby brother - Mark's very presence exemplified the epitome of shame. His moral compass had once again led his heart to the depth of darkness. A complete and utter disappointment, nothing like his big brother, Johnny Suh, a successful cardiothoracic surgeon of Suh International Hospital his great-grandfather built up with his bare hands that was also affiliated with the nation’s most prestigious university in Seoul leading to the very top on the chart of hospitals in the entire republic of Korea. It is safe to say that Mark comes from a very powerful, influential, and wealthy family.

His father grew up in the surroundings of doctors and nurses inheriting his grandpa's title of being a CEO in the hospital. With all kinds of doctors and intellectuals surrounding Mark, he was expected to walk the same path his fathers did, but Mark was not tailored to follow the rules and feel any kind of obligation to repay for everything being served at a silver plate by becoming a doctor or in any other case a lawyer, perhaps. 

Mark was an artistic soul, a lad of artistic dreams, and artistic hopes. Studying music composition his dreams have been made of determination to become a well-known producer one day as well as an artist whose rebel will be heard through his works and words; the only way Mark can escape his shitty reality of life and portray the emotional state he felt crumbling every second his ears would hear a series of insults and hurting words coming out of his father's mouth. _Failure, good-for-nothing kid, useless_. 

All these words he can hear in Johnny's mind - left unspoken, but lingering in the older's eyes when they finally catch a look at one another. A small giggle escapes from Mark's contorted mouth not sure if because of the alcohol abusing his own rationality or because he felt miserable. Probably both.

"Relax, I'll clean the shit up. I need to sleep somewhere", utters a raven-haired boy with a couple of hiccups preventing a normal sentence coming out as he tries to prop himself up with his elbows but fails when dizziness worsens, the aching in his skull ebbs and flows like a cold tide, yet the pain is still there - and probably will be tomorrow until his hangover process is not finished and a toxic substance doesn't evaporate into a complete disappearance. The sigh was resigned and weary. It signaled the end of deliberate effort and the beginning of passive deterioration. Johnny was tired, Mark comes to the conclusion. He was tired as well. And thoughts of one certain person were not helping either. The night was possibly the worst he had in months and he had no plans on repeating events unfolded earlier. He plans to get himself up, clean the mess and go to a spare room Johnny unwillingly furnished for him. 

He wished life was easier on him. Fuck all money he had. Without any type of love to feel around himself, Mark was a stranger to this feeling. And the mere feeling was uninvited to his life. Mark knew nothing about love and planned to know nothing for the rest of his life all thanks to his own family. A bunch of hypocrites gathering up on Christmases and Easters, no one to spare a call or message to ask for his well-being. _Better off, I guess..._

  
When the mess was cleaned up with Johnny's help to which Mark had no intention express any gratitude, he was helped to the room where Johnny basically tossed him on the bed and left him alone to which Mark was in fact very grateful. He was tired, drained, and messed up to be picking fights and holding arguments with his older brother, hence, he moans out of pain and closes his eyes drifting immediately away to dreamland. 

...

"Hey, are you okay?"

It might have been okay to just hold his tongue and move on to another topic nonchalantly, but let's face it - Doyoung could smell bullshit even when not present and Donghyuck would hear no end of his preaching, already forming in advance sentences he's heard so many times before. His brother was, in layman's terms, simply protective over him which someone observing from objective perspective might find cute, or normal, or approving, or as it should be but to Donghyuck...well, let's say it was too overwhelming and annoying. Can't he just leave him to suffer in his own misery for once? No, Doyoung was not unfamiliar to Donghyuck's fuck-no-love-story with Mark. In fact, Doyoung was the only person who knew his younger brother was balls-deep in love with his friend. And although it was not his business to interfere, Doyoung would pounce in Mark's face at any chance he could get. 

His little brother was his most precious personal possession along with their parents and to see him suffer was to feel it himself. Doyoung hated this feeling especially when he was happily in love with his soon-to-be husband, Jung Jaehyun. Doyoung worked as a marketing analyst for Jaehyun's corporation hearing many judgemental remarks on his sly work up to the top through Jaehyun's pants but he could give a shit what anyone thought. He loved his man more than himself, and he fought through blood, sweat, and tears to become what he is today. Meeting and falling in love with Jaehyun was a happy coincidence he thanks God every day for. And this is the reason why he tells Donghyuck...

"Donghyuck-ah, he's not your friend. Friends don't hurt each other, especially not the way he hurts you."

Fascinating how his brother immediately recognizes the situation and the culprit of his temper. But then again, he knew everything about his miserable unrequited love, therefore, it was not as strange as one might interpret however it never fails to amaze the young boy. A feeling of reluctancy overtakes his sense and he weighs between the truth and silence. God, would he hate to have Doyoung come face-to-face with Mark. That would only worsen the situation and Mark would find out about his feelings for him. So Donghyuck decides to dilute the story while he recounts the event that took place last night, or rather in the early morning.

By the time he finished his story, the front door flew open revealing the very protagonist of his conversation with Doyoung, Mark. With a small 'I'll call you back', Donghyuck ends the call and looks at the latter standing still at the threshold of the apartment in utter shock and a sudden wave of anxiety. 

"We need to talk about last night."

They shouldn't be talking when Donghyuck's cowardice is in a control at the moment, but with the look Mark's giving him there is no chance he can escape the talk anyway. With quivering legs, Donghyuck stands up from the couch and makes a few small steps toward the kitchen table where they shared lots of mornings together, and lots of lonely ones. No strength in his body to support what is about to unfold as Donghyuck's aware how the talk can easily turn into a full-brawl knowing what happened last night and the outcome it could have had he not bit his tongue on time.

"Sure, let's talk.", was all he could utter when he sat on a chair facing Mark who by now has entered the flat and sat at the opposite side of the youngest of two. They looked at each other for a few seconds before Mark decided to break the silence.

"Look, I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't have behaved the way I did. I was an idiot, a bastard and I was out of control. I drank too much, and I drank even more after you left so...I don't know, I'm not good with words, I'm sorry."

Donghyuck sighs in response. Yeah, he was an idiot and a selfish bastard. But he was his friend and a person he loved from afar. 

"I..know. I am..sorry. For my behavior as well. But you have to realize that I was hurt. You would have left me alone to go with some random boy."

"He..he's not a random boy. I kind of, well..I spent a night with him before, and...I don't know, I am really sorry, but you know I wouldn't leave you if I wasn't sure you were in the safe hands. You can't possibly mean I would leave you alone without someone to keep an eye on you, can you?"

There it is again. Excuses to get the guilt off his chest and by no meanings accept or admit his mistake which riles Donghyuck up when...wait the fuck? He knew the guy? He knew who this person is, and on top of it, he fucked him before already. Mark remembered his one-night-stand which can lead to the assumption that he might be into this guy, and Donghyuck feels his heart crack even more. Oh how little strength is left not to burst in tears right there and then. He is now positive that he will never be the one who will own Mark's heart, and he wishes he doesn't know but he has to ask.

"Do you like that guy?"

Mark's annoyed expression turns into a puzzled one. It takes him a few seconds to reply back.

"I mean, I kinda do. I..do like him. I mean, like, I am not up for anything serious but...I don't know, I wouldn't mind seeing how this might go. I was never in a relationship before."

Mark considered giving a go with this random guy next to Donghyuck who he literally knew for a long time and lost his virginity to. 

Mark knew before the latter spoke; the sparkle of yesterday before the incident was extinguished. His eyes moved slower and more down-cast, skimming the floor, rarely rising to eye level. It was in his voice too, quieter, with a meekness that wasn't usually part of his speech pattern. Donghyuck was unhappy in a way Mark hadn't seen before, like a small slice of bereavement which contributes to the creation of bigger confusion swirling in Mark's mind. His furrowing features perceive his thoughts.

"We'll have to end this. You and I. No longer sex."

Donghyuck realizes it will take time for his brain to find the words to adequately express what he feels at the moment, he lets his fingers trace a gilded, embroidered tablecloth as he looks up in Mark's dumbfounded features. There is no question the latter is shocked, but Donghyuck could care less at this point. It hurt. Yet, he speaks the way politicians hold speeches about the better future of the country, insensate and dead-pan.

"If you like the boy, then it is pretty fair to stop what we are doing. You can't sleep with both of us."

"B-but..I haven't said I'll be in a relationship. I don't get how me sleeping with you can affect my time with him?"

How fucking insensitive and dense his friend was. It hurts even more.

"It's not like I am hurting anyone."

_You're hurting me._

"It's not like I am in a relationship with anyone, or with you."

_Stop, please._

"I don't understand your behavior, honestly. We both agreed on this, Donghyuck."

_Stop, I beg you._

"It's not gonna hurt him, he won't even know that I am sleeping with you."

_You have no fucking idea, Mark._

"It's not gonna hurt you as well, right?"

Donghyuck's eyes flashed with indignance and anger, much like lightning on a pitch-black night. He was beyond hurt at this point and he did not care about the choice of the next words spoken from the depth of his overwhelmed heart.

"Get the fuck out of the apartment. Now!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, as Flo Rida once said...it's goin' down fo' real...please disregard any typos or grammar errors, I'm an illiterate hoe, spare me, please!!!
> 
> I have tried to update sooner, but adult life and work you know...not cooperating well with my child-like mentality :/
> 
> What I hate the most about my writing is that it's not detailed enough..I'm a lazy pig, that's why :((((
> 
> Anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed it because honestly, this smells like disaster ahead and I think it's gonna be a short fic anyway, but do not worry...I have something else prepared, so look forward to it!!! :DDDD


	3. Of pain, cries and having enough...

He doesn't know what it is about Na Jaemin, but he attracts disaster wherever he goes. He has been involved in minor car accidents multiple times, he had a habit of losing personal documentation too often and gets involved with low-level criminals. He's the softest and law-abiding person he knows, but there's part of him that thinks he can rescue everyone if he just shows them enough love. 

He tells Jaemin's stupid and the latter melts him with a grin that takes him back to when they were kids. Jaemin messaged him to say he's going to make some soup kitchen tonight, more souls to rescue he guesses, so he says he'll accompany him when he comes back. People should have heard him as Jaemin thought he's "finally seen the light." But he's not going to be some "every-day hero," he just wants to make sure his friend doesn't hand over his bank card and PIN to some homeless dude. 

And while that might seem harsh, it's totally in character for the pink-haired lad to do it. He's not saying Jaemin's dumb, just that if he doesn't protect him from himself he'll be the next one who can't pay their rent.

  
They say that compassion is the closest thing you get to love. But in whole honesty, Lee Jeno despised compassion with all his might and for two reasons of which he had trouble emphasizing the worst one: a) loving a person that will never love you, b)not being able to stop loving a person that will never love you back.

...

Lee Jeno had the kind of face that stopped you in your tracks. One would guess he must get used to that, the sudden pause in a person's natural expression when they looked his way followed by overcompensating with a nonchalant gaze and a weak smile. Of course, the blush that accompanied it was a dead give-away. It didn't help that he was so modest with it, it made the girls and the boys fall for him all the more. Despite all the opportunity that came his way he was a one-woman-man-man who prized genuineness and thoughtful conversation above lipstick and high-heels, sultry looks, and breathtaking handsomeness. 

He was handsome alright, but inside he was beautiful. And while many took an interest, hell being even approached by people like Renjun Huang, a campus heartthrob, Jeno had eyes fixed on one and the only person he ever hoped to treat differently - Na Jaemin.

If someone would ask him when the feelings developed, Jeno would in all honesty shrug with his shoulders and tell "for as long as I can remember" in response. He simply could not put a finger on the exact day when he came to the realization that he probably likes, by now loves, his best friend, Na Jaemin.

In Jeno's eyes, Jaemin had this baby pink hair that had tousled griminess which promised finesse. He had strong arched brows and eyelashes so thick, it could be illegal. And then his eyes- they were deep and catastrophic, vivid amber-brown eyes as a great body of golden water that softly melted into the oak brown undertones. Up close, you could spot the flecks of reds in his eyes. He had distinct cheekbones and an angular jaw, his soft skin made him look devilishly handsome.

Oh, was Jeno head-over-heels for Jaemin. But sadly, the feelings were not mutual as Jeno's been proven multiple times on multiple occasions - the last one being in the club two night ago. The urge to punch the shit out of that guy, a boy with looking at him behind the guy's back - a reason why he sustained himself from getting into conflict. That same moment when he looked in the boy's eyes, sadness and pain swimming in glistening eyes triggered his own emotions to expose him under the spotlights of reeky club, his bare form shown to a boy he shared sympathized with.

They both shared the same destiny - the same problem of unrequited love.

  
Jeno's train of thoughts vanished the moment the front door of his apartment flew open. 

"Knock, knock. I brought you some chicken stew and dumplings.", was heard from a small hallway Jeno's eyes averted to when a mop of pink hair appeared in his view. Automatically the corners of his lips turned upward while fixing his glasses as the eyes kept observing a certain individual ahead.

"Why didn't you tell me you would come?", responded Jeno before cleaning his small kitchen table to make some room for the bagged food Jaemin placed immediately on top of it before pulling Jeno in a bone-crushing hug which he gladly accepts with hands automatically reaching around his friend's small waist. 

"Why should I? I thought I can come whenever I want. Besides, you'd reject me coming because you know I wouldn't arrive empty-handed, and by the looks of your kitchen, I'd say you haven't eaten anything in approximately...6 hours."

He couldn't help but chuckle at Jaemin's bluntness as the latter started preparing the table for serving, Jeno immediately jumping to help him by taking food out of the bags. In such moments, Jeno admires Jaemin the most - when his friend is oblivious to his fond eyes allowing to have imagination play freely in his mind because that is the only way he could possibly call Jaemin his.

  
Long was the lunch finished resulting in snuggling to each other on a couch like they usually do with Jaemin resting his head against Jeno's stomach, empty gaze and head while purring at Jeno's light strokes through the pink hair. The silence was somehow comforting and spoke for itself, it was peaceful in a way where one could feel at home and know that no matter what was happening, it was forever there for you. Jeno was there for Jaemin, always. And it bothered him because he was quite sure he could not have been any type of a hero in the previous life to deserve a friend like the black-haired boy who hadn't stopped caressing his tousled locks in a way only Jeno did.

Another thing bothering him was Mark's phone number flashing on his screen last night. And he can't help but speak his thoughts out.

"Mark called me last night. I don't know what the hell he wants from me, but...I shouldn't be having any hopes."

There it is. The highlight of his unfortunate love. This Mark guy. When the frustration builds and Jeno thinks he might explode - he takes a deep breath. He wants to shout, have a tantrum, and beat his hands on the ground like a toddler. He wants to vent, let it out, but he doesn't want to say words he doesn't mean, be hurtful. It's just so easy to be cruel at that moment and then the damage is done. 

So many times he's wanted to unsay things, take it back. He's learning how to deal with it, slowly but surely. All the pain and all the patience for the love of his life laying on his stomach. He would rather sacrifice his heart and happiness than ruin Jaemin's. Although Jaemin wouldn't be happy with someone like Mark, he knew to trust his guts.

"Jaemin-ah, please."

"I know, I know..but, still. He wouldn't be calling me if he isn't interested, would he?"

If once, only once could Jeno have the opportunity to meet this guy, he'd spare no time on words and collide his fists to this guy's face within a second in a beating until his mother wouldn't recognize him. How badly it had to hurt to feel his heart physically ache to the point he reflexively scrunches his face before subtly surging forward with the upper part of his body trying damn hard not to move too much and startle Jaemin who won't stop questioning him if any suspicious motion is made.

He'd rather keep it within himself. For Jaemin's sake.

"I mean, you know how I am...I'd never go for a guy if I didn't like him, and I really do like this guy, Jeno. I feel like, I feel like I can see myself starting something serious with him."

"Jaemin-ah...you know, I'm starting to think you are deliberately making yourself delusional here."

Suddenly, Jaemin sits up facing Jeno's stoic face. He looks like he might have been slightly offended, but Jeno decides to look past his beautiful eyes and call for rationality to take over. He leans back and runs his fingers through his hair in a frustrating motion before speaking again.

"Look, you are my friend, and I care for you. I just don't want you to get hurt. That's all. And besides, you know...that boy-"

"That boy isn't his boyfriend."

Jaemin stops Jeno dead in tracks. He continues.

"Mark told me last night via text. They're not together, the boy is simply his friend. Nothing more."

Jaemin's breath seemed to stutter in his lungs before he let it go, feeling the tension drain from his body. His breathing returned to normal and he felt as if he could face the problem in a form of upcoming conflict with Jeno. It wouldn't be the first time but now it looked like it could escalate to a bigger brawl than before. 

Jeno, on the other hand, breathed as if no air would ever be enough, as if he were a drowning victim suddenly brought up from the depths. How he hated the current tension lifting up at higher levels. He hated how badly he wanted to scream at Jaemin and tell him how painful each word coming out of his mouth is.

"Jaemin, for the love of God. You cannot possibly believe him, can you? The guy's practically begging you not to take him from him. You ain't blind, I know you saw that too."

"Why are you so fucking worked up over this, huh? If he said they're not together, then they're not together. End of discussion, period."

He couldn't hold it in feeling a new wave of rage surging through his body, so with barely left common sense Jeno simply stands up and walks to the window with heavy steps while screaming internally at himself, Jaemin, a Mark guy, a boy...everything and everyone. The entire world. Tears are forming in million drops exerting pressure on his eyelids. Love fucking kills his insides. Eats him out alive. As much as he hates to admit, Jaemin will never place him on the spot he had reserved for Mark. And the truth hurts more than lies he told himself countless times. Jaemin is not his, and will never be his.

"Just...don't come to me crying when things go wrong."

...

He was a drunkard, plain and simple. His breakfast was whiskey with a rum chaser. He was slurring his words by lunchtime and passed out by the afternoon. What little food he ate was in the form of chips and cold wieners from a jar. He didn't leave the house for anything. He even paid a widowed neighbor to shop for him. Empty beer cans and spirit bottles lay discarded around the entire flat. 

Wherever a can or bottle was when it became empty was where it stayed. Only when his brother visited one day or did the empties get thrown out. His temper was legendary. He detested himself and anyone who showed him kindness. When he was sure he was alone he would often cry for all the regrets and mistakes he'd made, for all the love he had given away. He was robbed of it.

One day, Doyoung came to catch Donghyuck in the same position he found him a few days ago. On his couch, sitting with empty alcohol bottles around him, only him and his sorrow. Doyoung simply sighs at a sight. He hates to see how low had Donghyuck reached the bottom because of love. A kind of love his baby brother didn't deserve.

It's been a week since Mark's left apartment. A week since their conversation went from moderate discussion to full-on brawl, hurtful words are thrown out here and there, a couple of 'I hate you's and fuck you's before his friend decided to pack his bags and leave the apartment with a loud shut of the door, emphasizing his departure from Donghyuck's life. Man how life hated Donghyuck and so did love. He looked back at his brother who sported this look of pity Donghyuck hates more than his current life.

"You can leave. I don't want to speak to anyone."

With another sigh rolling of the tip of his lips, Doyoung speaks softly.

"Hyuckie, please. You cannot continue living like this."

"And how can I live, hyung? Huh, how can I live? When the man I love walked out through the very same door behind you. When he decided to choose one-night-stands over a guy who's been blindly in love with him for many years. A guy who was there for him through good and bad, through his parents' divorce and kick out of his own house. I've been there for him all the time, hyung. I have given my all to him and he did not return even a speck of that. He took our friendship for granted and I, I a fucking fool, have let him have his way with me. I have let him use me whenever he wanted. And I was satisfied with the crumbs until crumbs were not enough. And then...and then he met this one guy, and he probably went to him now, and he's probably with him and...oh God, hyung...you have no slightest idea how fucking dead I wish I am rather than feeling this pain in my chest. Huyng, it burns...it burns..."

In Donghyuck's sobbing was the sound of a heart breaking. Hearts don't snap like brittle caramel or burst like an overfilled balloon. A heart breaks in the heaving waves of a new disturbing reality that has arrived uninvited. It is the one in which their child no longer lives, or their partner is terminally sick. It is entering a life they can't bear and so they break. They aren't the same again, there's just a part of them that had to die so that the rest of them could carry on their duties to the other people they love. So as Doyoung watched his brother shake with grief, tears flowing unchecked, there was part of him breaking too. That is what happens when you love someone.

And Doyoung hated to see the brother he loves with all his might fall apart. Withering like flowers for incoming winter. He approaches his brother slowly before taking his shaking figure into his embrace, whispering carefully all words of comfort and care. If he could physically take his pain away and throw it somewhere far away, Doyoung would be more than happy. But, unfortunately, pain is invisible until it is not. And it cannot be physically taken away. 

They stay in a position for a little while before Donghyuck cries subdue and he breaks out of embrace facing his brother finally.

"Huyng, I've had enough feeling like shit. I need to change this."

Doyoung only hums in response wanting to say something, anything but nothing comes at the top of his head, until...

"Come visit Jaehyun's company, then. He would gladly have you as.."

"No, no...I can't do that, hyung. I'm not good enough-"

"Oh, please Hyuckie. You're more than qualified, you're near finishing your degree. It will help you a lot, I promise."

Donghyuck's reluctance can be almost seen before Doyoung continues not letting any declines come out of Donghyuck's mouth.

"Besides...there is someone I'd like you to meet. It will be okay, I promise."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pay attention to the tags *wink* *wink*
> 
> OKAY, I have no clue where I'm heading with all this drama, but I have a vision *casually lets WayV slip into DMs* and I hope y'all like my vision, otherwise...I might be blind and think this s*it looks good.
> 
> I hope next chaps will contain more entertaining content, without much crying, drama, pain, bleeding hearts and so much angst you can practically feel I love angst through this fic.
> 
> Anyways, I'm done for today, updates will be much more frequent than before. Sending lots of kisses, hugs, and candy bars :DDD


	4. A familiar face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to comment below on how shitty this is by now lol...I mean, this can be considered as a slow-burn rather??

Earlier in the morning, the blue that stretched into the horizon had only been broken only by transitory wisps of white. Now it threaded across the sky in thicker bands. Yet they were still white with hardly a trace of grey and dispelled were worries of rain. The coffee cup rested upon the table; it was white, and so the playful splashes became an impromptu work of art. Mark looked at the watch silently ticking seconds into minutes, and later hours. Time had begun to dissolve into itself, as shapeless as the rain. 

A notification sounds on his phone he picks from near his coffee cup to see a message sent from a known ID, his face immediately lit up with a smile as he reads through it.

'Mark, I hope we can see each other tonight. I really need you.", was enough to make his heart beat fast when a familiar figure sits opposite to him. He looks up at dishelved mop of dark-red hair and dead-tired eyes that could use some good night's sleep, and maybe much more. Jungwoo's life was hectic to say the least - finishing his master's degree while being a bartender at night surely doesn't sound like a life many would envy to live, but Mark was as ever amazed to see how the latter keeps up the same tempo without slacking in studies or getting fired because of...slacking while working, well, he never slacked in anything, to begin with. An absolute ace who even when tired doesn't miss a chance to fool around and crack a joke or two making people around him holler at his one of kind humor. And with all that he managed to find a boyfriend which while we speaking of, was not much fond of Mark.

In fact, he found it pretty annoying when Jungwoo asked him to take Mark in until he doesn't find a place where he can stay. At the moment, Mark did have a place to say but no way in hell would he go back there again to be nagged and yelled at all the time. He simply doesn't think it is safe to live under the same roof with Johnny for more than 24 hours, even that could get it escalate in something Mark honestly had no time nor strength to tolerate. Besides, staying with Johnny means constant reminders of him being a failure, especially given Johnny's profession. He was not some kind of 'lost soul trying to find the meaning of his life by doing the most useless thing - writing music' like his father loved to emphasize when comparing the two of them.

The train of thoughts was interrupted when Jungowoo reaches over for his cup of coffee and asks calmly.

"Any particular reason for you to be in a good mood this early?"

To which Mark replies...

"Kind of. A cutie I told you about from club messaged me right now. He wants us to meet tonight."

To which Jungwoo rises his eyebrow questioning Mark's situation. He knew the cutie's name was Jaemoon, Haemin..something like that, but the uncomfortable feeling lingers as he remembers another cutie Mark didn't mention at all. A one he used to live with as far as he recalls in his memory. Not quite sure if mentioning this boy might cause any unpleasantness, Jungwoo decided to remain silent with a sip of hot, dark liquid when a sudden voice interrupts this oddly calm morning.

"Hey, guys..Jungwoo, babe, you're on your own tonight. I have some assignments to work on and have asked for a day change. Vernon will take my place tonight, but call me when you're finished. I'll come to pick you up.", Lucas says as he bends down to kiss his boyfriend quickly before looking at Mark who's face was literally stuck to his phone, an idiotic smile plastered on the very same one. For some reason, Lucas was quite annoyed with the latter. There was simply this inexplicable feeling of animosity accompanied with troubling mind picturing the boy as nothing but a troublemaker and Lucas hated how he couldn't kick him out of his apartment because, well, he was Jungwoo's friend and Jungwoo was his boyfriend. One he loved more than himself. He quickly averts gaze back to Jungwoo who's eyes exude fondness and love Lucas felt each day in the same intensity, if possible even more. So, he kisses him again briefly before heading out not forgetting to drop 'love you' on his way out.

Jungwoo sighs in contentment wondering what good deed he committed in his former life to deserve such luck and happiness when he looks back at Mark who didn't lift his eyes off the phone for a good 10 minutes. He coughs to get the younger boy's attention, before speaking.

"You shouldn't be feeling excited. It is your first day at that company, you know?"

Two seconds were enough to let the information sink in once the chair was sent few steps back and a tall figure rushed to the opposite side of the flat where a small hallway led to two rooms of which one belonged to Jungwoo and Lucas. A red-haired male chuckles slightly at a comical scene when he notices Mark's phone was left on and the screen was flashing messages coming from, he assumes, a boy Mark's been chatting with all the time. What takes him off-guard is a flashing ID of someone named 'Huyck' and the puzzle pieces start to fit in slowly. Huyck? Dong..hyuck? Right, that is his name...

Jungwoo felt guilty for forgetting this boy's name. And for some reason, he feels a small pang in his chest when he hears Mark coming back wearing a custom-made suit with slovenly tied cobalt-blue tie. He observes the latter looking at his phone, a sudden shift on his face doesn't go unnoticed as the phone comes to silence again.

He looks back at Jungwoo whose contemplation grew bigger, but he stands silent. He simply didn't find himself in a position to comment on Mark's love life because it was not his to deal with it. 

Mark simply puts his phone on silent before sliding the same one in his pocket and bidding byes with Jungwoo while making his way to the front door. It will be a long, long day and he cannot wait to meet Jaemin tonight.

But why did you call, Donghyuck?

...

One'd think the road would be empty at six in the morning. Everyone should be asleep, right? Maybe except a few doctors and nurses, those wonderful folks the world can't turn without. It isn't though. Jeno's car joins a train of others, mostly other office works with “vital” paper to push for twelve or more hours. In summer there is daylight, not so much for the rest of the year. 

Everyone follows the red tail lights by morning and night, never seeing the sun, not caring what the weather is. Everyone on this road forms a river of tin and flesh, the best one of them can hope for is a boring day; “interesting” means stress, lots of stress. And Jeno does not anticipate any of it. Especially not when his road to mastering Business relations is coming to an end in a week or two and going to this work which helped him throughout his studies became a bit exhausting and repetitive. He laughs at himself when in reality there's not work out there that is not a repetitive circle of events unfolding ahead throughout the entire day - you wake up, you go to your bathroom, finish your breakfast - if you have some time for any - do your final check in the mirror and prepare yourself mentally for another dreadful day full of paperwork and frantic data typing.

He thinks back to the day when Jaemin and he ended up entangled into a brawl, a final sentence uttered was a final straw for Jaemin who simply stood up and left the apartment without taking any of his stuff, including his grey hoodie. A very same one Jeno smelled and cried into the entire night spent in the unusually cold apartment alone and abandoned.

It hurts he won't lie, it hurts with the same intensity as if it happened just minutes ago. And Jeno was aware this feeling won't go away any time sooner. What he could not predict is the final outcome. Were Jaemin and him thorough? Was their friendship over? It also hurt when he tried to call the latter multiple times just to be directed to the voicemail which he left once, or twice but obviously it did not matter - Jaemin never reached back to him.

Knowing it wasn't healthy to think of the current situation with Jaemin all the time, he forces himself to focus on the road cleared up by now as a familiar skyscraper falls into his view above him as a great monolith of concrete and glass, Jeno parks his car closer to the main entrance before entering the same building where a couple of co-workers nod in a sign of greeting to him as he heads to one of many elevators down the immense, marble-framed lobby. He takes a look at his watch to see he's just on time maybe to spare a couple of minutes and take a coffee of coffee machine then head to his place.

As he looks down the wide hallway on the floor where he works, Jeno notices three men standing right by the office he works at. Oddly enough to see Jung Jaehyun even appear on this floor, but having Doyoung tag along told him that there could be some changes done and Jeno couldn't fatom if he felt fear or nervousness at this point. While Jaehyun was nothing but kind to his workers according to the talks in the company, Jeno never had any opportunity to speak to him directly. In fact, all communication between the two of them was communicated through Doyoung who'd often stop by Jeno's office to explain about any new projects he's supposed to work on as a directive from CEO himself.

He looks at the two of them standing close to each other no worker was unfamiliar to their relationship, Jeno also notes another mop of hair, strangely familiar standing across two gentlemen but the face cannot be seen. With careful steps ahead he approaches slowly only to see now who the guy standing with the CEO and his partner is - a boy. From the club.

The same boy who looked at him over Mark's shoulder. Honey-skin, and dirty blond hair. Jeno got flustered and awkward immediately. _Oh, how small the world is._

Donghyuck, on the other hand, bit his lip, eyes everywhere but on the black-haired guy before him. "Jeno-ssi, you are finally here." Jeno's breathing becomes softer, the pensive look melting into a smile as soft as the morning light. His body squirms just a little as his muscles relax. There is something about that boy as if in that moment their souls have made a bridge. _We share the same pain_. He once again looks at him noticing how the latter did not pick up his gaze from the grey-carpeted floor, so he decides to be the brave Lee Jeno he liked to think of himself. Brave my ass inwardly commented when suddenly a boy in front of him comes closer and extends his hand.

"Hi Jeno-ssi, I am Lee Donghyuck. Your new co-worker."

Jeno looks at Doyoung and Jaehyun in bewilderment. This guy, the very same guy who clung onto Jaemin's crush that night was going to work with him. Just great.

Noticing an awkward atmosphere, Doyoung clears his throat before turning fully to Jeno with a meek smile. "Jeno-ssi, Donghyuck will work with you from today. I know you didn't expect any new interns but I would kindly ask you to show him how it works around here and to help him get the gist of it. Would that be okay?"

Obviously who on Earth was Jeno to refuse Doyoung, and by Doyoung meaning Jaehyun who looked at him intensely no words exchanged nor any needed as the look in his eyes tells everything - he simply must agree. Which Jeno does, with a reluctant nod. 

"I'll show him around, it's not a problem at all."

Doyoung's smile portrayed his own, but the moment his eyes went back to a certain boy, Jeno notices - this Donghyuck was smiling a little, a smile with a twist to it, like the smile of a child who is determined not to weep. He probably felt uncomfortable and overwhelmed by the entire situation. Jeno knows the boy recognized him. And he knows Donghyuck assumes he recognized him as well.

"Well, since we have this meeting going on a day ahead will be really hectic. We'll leave you guys right now, but if any help is needed, you know where I am. Donghyuck-ie, you can call me, okay?", with a pat to his shoulder, both Doyoung and Jaehyun who muttered a small 'bye guys' leave two boys alone to themselves which makes tension twice as thick than seconds ago.

Donghyuck notices Jeno's puzzled expression probably due to what happened between him and Doyoung, so with a heavy sigh, he drops the act and speaks.

"Doyoung is my brother, that is why he's close to me. Show me the office so I can get familiar with around here.", echoed Donghyuck who sounded rather demanding right now and this simply did not please Jeno's ears as well as his intuition on how will their cooperation work further. Yes, this will be fucking fun. Instead of acting like a docile colleague, Jeno's actions surprise the latter when he takes him by his forearm to pull him closer and fix his eyes on his own. There is something intimidating when Jeno gets annoyed.

"Listen, this is the office. And we work here. No private life is involved nor is allowed to be involved in between four walls of this room. I'll show you everything you need to know or get familiar with - without that authoritative tone because you are my co-worker, and your connection with Doyoung-ssi has no relevance on this floor. You'll soon meet our team leader, so you better understand your place here now before it gets you into trouble later."

This was, least to say, unexpected and Donghyuck could feel his blood boil when he pulls out of Jeno's grip and barks back.

"Listen, you. I have no plans to keep it friendly here. I am not some kind of brat who'll use his own brother to get everything work his way. I am perfectly aware of my surroundings and as much as I am not pleased at all to see you being part of it, I know how to act and I don't need you to educate me on how to act at work like some kind of parent scolding a child for misbehaving. I have no sympathy with you, and if we can start with work, that would be appreciated Jeno-ssi."

Annoying. Annoying brat, Jeno thinks to himself. He simply turns around, and with unfazed tone says, "follow me", to which Dongyuck complies and follows down the more narrow hallway heading to the open space where only a couple of people sat and furiously typed on their keyboards.

To say that he felt uncomfortable around this guy would be understandable. He didn't like him, not even the slightest bit. And the fact he was friends with guy who robbed him of his friend, a boy he loved, was adding fuel to fire. Donghyuck felt like he was about to cry with his own thoughts torturing his poor, already tortured mind - no sense of reality present at the moment, he accidentally bumps on Jeno's shoulder. 

Jeno looks back at him with annoyed expression when he suddenly notices something strange shift in the honey-skinned boy's eyes. Vulnerability and hurt. Just for a split second. He just realizes who this guy is. A friend, that Mark guy's friend. He turns fully toward the latter with a sigh rolling off his lips.

"Look, I...I know it's awkward and uncomfortable. And I know the..circumstances at the moment are not ideal, to say the least. I'm sorry for my behavior earlier. I just don't want...what happened...to affect...our work."

Taken aback by sudden confession, Donghyuck tries to search for something in Jeno's eyes but the expression remains stoic which makes his searching fail miserably. No. He won't be friends with this guy. This guy is a traitor, just like a friend of his. _Just like Mark_.

"I don't need your empathy or whatever the hell this is. I wish we can cut our communication to minimums but unfortunately, it's impossible at the moment. I would like to ask you to talk to me only when it is related to work. Nothing else. And don't you dare mention anything about...that. You're just like your friend. And I don't like your friend. Just like I don't like you."

Quite hurt, Dongyhuck passes by flabbergaster Jeno who couldn't form any words in his mind to retort back, but he prevents himself anyway. He doesn't want to explode, this guy simply had no idea how he felt. And he had no plans opening his heart to him about the entire situation. It was better to be a monster than a miserable, sad human who, in fact, felt compassion in the boy's eyes. He won't show his vulnerability. And he won't be friends with him. 

Jeno goes right after Donghyuck, waiting desperately for this day to come to an end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wish I had inspiration and talent to write this more...beautifully. If it makes sense. Well, at least the next chapter will contain lots of surprises and unexpected twists. Hopefully, it will make up for the shitty quality so far lol :DDD


	5. Unexpected

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stirring the pot..I'll leave the rest to your imagination :D

In the room that is twilight and shadow, Mark stands close enough for Jaemin to breathe in his scent. His arms wrap around the pink-haired boy's back and in one gentle pull their bodies touch. Jaemin feels Mark's hand in his hair, how the older of two loves the softness, watching it tumble as he releases it. Then his hand moves down Jaemin's cheekbones to his lips. That's when the kissing starts and they start to move like partners in a dance that is written in their DNA. Their bodies fit together as if they were made just for this, to fall into one another, to feel this natural rhythm. 

With a laugh Mark lifts Jaemin right off my feet, carrying his toward the bed, letting the younger fall with a soft bounce on the mattress. They lock eyes for just a moment, just enough for them to feel safe with one another. Then he's all business, undoing Jaemin's jeans, pulling them off, kissing from his toes upward, slowly, his hands on Jaemin's legs, always just a little higher than the kisses. Jaemin feels his back arch in anticipation, knowing where his fingers will soon reach. His head rocks back against the pillow as Mark reaches where he's been craving for a touch, the first moan escaping his lips.

...

Lust can be fun - Jaemin doesn't think it isn't – but where does it lead? What is its purpose? A couple of friends he knows who prefer lust to love were damaged by someone. They won't trust anymore and without trust, you can't have love, it just isn't possible. But not to ruin the moment of having a raven-haired boy in his arms finally, Jaemin decides to swallow the lump in his throat and continue kissing black locks lulling him into a deep slumber. 

Sun arises pretty fast, he notices. Their night of passion and longing had shivers still surging through his entire body when a groan leaves Mark's lips making Jaemin shift eyes immediately to his calm figure.

"Morning."

"Good morning."

Both sounded just the way they looked at the moment - tired and spent. But Jaemin was completed, with Mark by his side, he sensed tranquility entering each cell of his body as if the meaning of home has gotten a proper image shown to his awestruck eyes. It was terrifying. He didn't see that coming. Being into someone you've known barely makes you do stupid things, and for instance, it is right now stupid to even think they're entering anything serious because so far Mark did not show any interest in the possible development of whatever they're having now. A slight pang convulses his heart while his eyes absentmindedly observe the latter's facial contours. He was above just perfect. Jaemin grew fond of Mark's beautiful nose, and doe eyes. He was lethal for sure, but there was simply something pure in those eyes that made him wish he could stare into them for as long as he's capable of breathing.

A sudden tug to his hand brings him back to reality having him meet Mark's quizzical expression. Jaemin simply smiles in response to his confusion.

"What were you thinking about?"

What was he thinking about? You would be the answer Jaemin's lips wanted to word out so bad, but his brain shut that thought down immediately predicting the shift in the atmosphere which would preferably lead to awkwardness distancing two boys from amenity. So Jaemin decides to bite the tip of his tongue and, with a quick calculation of words to choose, responds slightly above the whisper.

"Nothing, Head's empty after what we had last night."

Mark smirks in response before he pulls the younger to his side just enough to feel him breathing against his dry lips.

"I think it would be worth it to repeat it again."

He was all logic and feigned cool detachment until Mark touched his skin. Then something not only stirred in him, but it took over his thinking. The rest of his world became an unimportant blur that was banished into the far recesses of his mind. The only thing that mattered was touching him more, kissing his mouth, his neck, his well-toned pecks. Mark on the contrary tried his best to be gentle with the younger, not to have him under his body and pounce into him in one go, but it was hard. His hands were made for aggressive grips and possessive touches rather than gentle caressing.

Jaemin cannot say no, and this oddly triggers torrents of worries in the back of his mind. He feels like he's taken someone's position right now, but why does it feel like this?

Because last night when they drank wine and started making out, with a side look to Mark's flashing phone an ID popped up with someone named Hyuck. And Jaemin's possessiveness grew bigger as jealousy tailored its way to his brain. _Who is Hyuck?_  
He kept asking himself, but his guts were his biggest curse - Jaemin assumed but didn't dare to confront because Mark was not his completely. Yet. 

Hyuck is a boy from the club.

...

Loneliness. Lonely and alone - Donghyuck hated this feeling the most. This loneliness is a vice on his heart, squeezing with just enough pressure to be a constant pain. It kills him every day just a little bit more, taking what was once his inner light and replacing it with darkness that overshadows each moment. It is the fuel of my nightmares, the reason he struggles to breathe when a new shock comes. Where is the limit? When comes the point at which dogs are called off and the help begins? Because Donghyuck needs to know; he really needs to know. Where is he? What is he doing right now? Was he with that boy? Of course, he was. Or perhaps with someone else. Did he think of him at all? Of course not. Because he never answered his calls. And so yet another night is spent in tears and solitude.

Work did not help, not in the slightest. Sure, he had no time to think of Mark at work but neither then was he allowed to breathe without any struggles because Jeno was there. He was there to remind him of the night when Donghyuck came to the realization that there's no hope for happily ever after with Mark.

He was reminded of who he was in the latter's world. Nothing but a used-up toy, not even a friend, a fucking toy. Just like all other boys, he'd welcome the dawn with. And Mark was the biggest whore in the world - but he loved this whore. And right now, he can't help but think if he should have let him be that night. Leave him alone in the club with no one known, excluding a bartender he's got to get familiar with. 

Would that save their relationship? Would that save him a couple of nights spent with the older in between his legs? Rocking his world completely, then leaving when the hunger is satisfied. Donghyuck felt completely abused and useless. He had one purpose and he could not even fulfill that simple task - to kneel in front of Mark's needs. Take him in any way possible and cry until sleep lulls him into nothingness. Oh, how pathetic Donghyuck is. Maybe he's had enough. But in reality, Donghyuck would rather endure degradation in the form of being a side-guy than losing Mark completely - and obviously, he has lost him. 

Looking down the city through one of the french windows, Donghyuck recalls times when Mark and he used to stroll down the familiar streets - a city of wide avenues and small places to sit and eat, to relax as folk went about their day. There were the sky towers in the center, which was once thousands of homes now took up less ground space than an old shopping mall. The rest was parks and wild spaces, a chance to walk among nature or enjoy the trails on bicycles. Yet perhaps Donghyuck's favorite thing was the river that flowed through the center, crossing the bridges, pausing just to look at the view he saw every day and loved all the more when spending time with him. Mark used to play the guitar and sing until sun settles down, quite and peaceful summer evenings spent in one another's company will forever be carved in Donghyuck's archive of memories to beautiful times with beautiful person - at that time Donghyuck believed.

He believed he'd be one and only for Mark just like the older was to him.

How wrong were predictions when Mark asked him one night to sleep together without strings attached to which Donghyuck reluctantly agreed only because they were best friends, and he was perhaps if not for sure Donghyuck's first and only love. They gave one another their innocence and purity. Innocence and purity. How much Donghyuck wished he never lost those - but he in the end lost, even more dignity and self-respect. Boneless piece of shit who'd swallow Mark's release just to prevent his tongue blurting out his feelings.

Loneliness was Donghyuck's only dependable friend, there in the morning, noon and night - and he hated this friend with all his might. Cigarettes ran out, whiskey ran dry, but always the empty yawning persisted. He was sad, tired, sleepy, and apprehensive of what will happen tomorrow at work. Jeno and he have been pissed obviously not fond of each other's presence. Donghyuck called him out for putting on an act as if not being bothered with the whole situation that got them entangled in the same position.

He saw his eyes. The way he looked protective over that boy Mark's got his eyes on. That kind of protectiveness cannot be seen in best friend's eyes - he loved the boy. Just like how Donghyuck loved Mark. And while Donghyuck doubted they had the same kind of..relationship, he is completely certain that Jeno felt the same way he did. Hurt, and humiliated with his own feelings.

Suddenly, his phone tinges breaking the stream of thoughts spinning at a ridiculous pace. He looks at the unknown number calling him. Cautiously, he answers the call.

"Hello?"

Met with silence, Donghyuck frowns before dropping another 'hello' to whoever is calling him at the moment. It took approximately twelve seconds before he hears an unfamiliar voice, quivering yet determined.

"Stop calling Mark. He doesn't want to see you ever again."

The caller immediately hung up after spitting venomous words at Donghyuck who was at this point too stunned to reciprocate anything in defense, obviously. He was least to say taken aback, shocked and agitated. How dare he? How the fuck dare he to tell him what to do? Would Mark allow this if he knew? He probably didn't know he was called, or...was this a tactic of his to fuck him off? He immediately tried calling that number back but was directed to a voicemail. 

Heaving a sigh of frustration, Donghyuck types Jeno's name on the Instagram praying he's left his profile public. Shit. His profile was private. He needs to think of something, perhaps creating a fake profile but this did not guarantee him anything; Jeno was probably not the type of guy who'd accept some anonymous invitation to become friends. He was much clever. 

So, Donghyuck comes with another plan, a plan he wishes it never crossed his mind. Becoming friends with Jeno. 

...

"So, correct me if I missed something - your new co-worker is, was a boyfriend or whatever of a guy Jaemin's into? Wow, damn man...that's fucked up."

Hyunjin, Jeno's college colleague, and second-best friend spits straightforward while choking on a hamburger he's been craving since the final exam they've passed successfully. Jeno clicked his tongue playfully finishing his last bite before taking a sip of soda to ease the food down to his stomach. When they both got finished, Hyunjin walked Jeno to his car asking multiple questions about a new guy as well as the entire situation - it is safe to say he's nosy I quite amused with the entire affair going on.

"I mean, what does he look like? Jaemin is a beauty, so clearly the other guy must be average to his looks."

This doesn't still well with Jeno partially because of the superficial comment on Jaemin's looks, and another part...because the boy was as much as he hated to admit, actually quite beautiful. No, he was not as beautiful as Jaemin to him, but he had something in those eyes and that honey skin that could probably attract thousands of young lads out there. He was probably proposed to many times. Which makes him even more frustrated with the whole situation.

What on Earth did both Jaemin and Donghyuck see in someone like Mark? Okay, he wasn't ugly nor he was unattractive. But he wasn't as more handsome than Jeno himself, although the black-haired boy hated to compliment his own looks. He remembers he's been said multiple times by Jaemin that he looked above average and his handsomeness was incomparable. So, why wasn't he attracted to him?

His thoughts were interrupted by another question.

"So, is the guy ugly or?"

"No, actually he's not."

Jeno responds within a second to his own surprise. Some unsettling feelings rose to his guts at the mere thought of anyone calling Donghyuck ugly, and he found this part quite confusing. He didn't give a shit for the boy, why did this matter to him? Probably because he had eyes and he knew the boy was far from ugly. Despite not liking the latter, he wasn't delusional nor petty to call him ugly when he clearly wasn't. Annoying brat, yes. Ugly, _**hell no**_.

"Wow, you're spacing out because of that boy...is he..getting under your skin already?", Hyunjin asks in a teasing manner which earned him a light smack to his head, the spot where he's been hit starting to feel quite itchy because of the impact. 

"No, what the fuck are you talking about? He's not even my type. He's not ugly tho, on contrary, he's quite attractive."

"Well, that could be it."

Jeno looks quizzically back at Hyunjin he just keeps smiling at him.

"Seduce him."

What the actual fuck? If Jeno could see his face he'd probably like someone who's seen a ghost appear before them. _What kind of crack he's been using lately?_ Jeno just tsks at Hyunjin's stupidity before the latter pulls him back to face him. 

"No, seriously. Think about it. Maybe this is a sign for you to finally move on. He's hurt, you're hurt. Two souls being hurt the same way can find comfort in each other."

"What the fuck are you talking about? Hyunjin, I swear to God, pot is not for you, man. You just talk whatever shit is coming to your head, blurting out nonsense."

Hyunjin just groans before responding.

"Listen, you idiot. Stop preventing yourself from claiming such an opportunity to maybe give a try and forget about Jaemin. He clearly does the same thing to you right now. Man, look. It is quite unfair how you don't get the chance to be happy while he does. Think about it, maybe you could take him out for dinner. Nothing serious at the beginning, see how it works - if it doesn't, you have tried and didn't lose anything."

Oh, how he hated getting sense knocked into him. What Hyunjin's talking about is nothing but made of sense. And he was hating him for being perspicacious one right now. The idea of seducing Donghyuck was like signing a death-warrant which Jeno didn't find like a solution to anything. He'd take him out, embarrass both of them, and then quit his work to never see his face again. But Donghyuck wasn't his type, and they just agreed not to be friends. How on Earth is he going to seduce someone he doesn't like?

Out of blue, his phone starts ringing startling him right off. Fishing his phone out of the back pocket, he sees an unknown number appearing on his display. _If this is again one of those sales agents, I swear to God..._

"Hello?", answered Jeno ready to hang up if he hears another word about African plum for erection but a familiar voice jerks him out of his upset mode.

"Jeno-yah?"

Without taking a second to recognize his voice, Jeno response.

"Jaemin-ah."

It took him even less than a second to find out who's calling him. Too familiar to his voice, he can't help but feel slightly excited to hear him again.

"C-can we meet, please?", Jaemin nervously asked over the phone and Jeno wished he wasn't nervous with him. Never with him.

"Y-yeah, sure. Where'd you like us to meet?"

They talk for a few seconds arranging their meeting at the old pub in Jeno's block, Hyunjin is already gone when he enters his car and starts off the engine looking forward to meeting his friend again. Perhaps, maybe, just maybe...Jaemin will tell him that Mark's not the one he looked for. He knows he's thinking irrationally, but he can't help the excitement and happiness he's feeling after hearing his voice. Voice he grew to love for so many years.

Then a message pops up with an unknown ID. He looks quickly at his phone and clicks on the message that's been sent to him. What he sees leaves him quite flabbergasted and at the loss of his words.

_'It is Donghyuck. I need you, please.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel way better about this chap...It's getting somewhere. Not as long as I expected, but I am slowly developing this plot into interesting series of events, hopefully interesting.
> 
> Please do let me know what's your opinion the story development and of, I'd ask you kindly to ignore any typos or grammar errors made. I'm just too lazy to proof-read my stories generally. You'll get the point.
> 
> Anyways, that would be it for now. Hopefully, this chapter triggered some interest to continue reading this crap further haha.
> 
> Feel free to submit any suggestions in the comment section, all help is appreciated, duh.
> 
> By a see you soon bebes :D :*


	6. Stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no clue what the hell is this. Enjoy?

Mark knew about Donghyuck's feelings for him. He knew the latter was in love; his eyes gave away his emotions. his eyes twinkled in amusement as if he knew something Mark didn’t. They glazed like honey and turned into million shades of gold as sunlight from the open windows reflected off them. His eyes were like melted chocolate. Warm and oh so addictive. And so in love - the fondness and adoration radiating from the pupils whenever they get lost into Mark's dark ones. 

He knew and he used his love against him. They both turned out the friends with benefits, Mark hoped that one day the latter would perhaps confess at last. Quit the act of a boneless coward and pour his feelings out, try to claim him as his own, his one and only. Because Donghyuck was, is a one-man guy. And he was loyal to Mark only. But Mark found this love in shadows to be insufficient. He goes out and he spends Godly hours touching and feeling foreign skin under itchy fingertips, foreign lips on his own dry pair of ones, foreign voice, gasps, calling out for his name but oddly not satisfying enough - he only wanted to hear his name cried out of his lips; from the depth of his guts. Hard and loud. And then Jaemin came into the picture.

This coy-looking boy his mesmerised eyes captured one night when everything in a span of closest periphery ceased to exist. Only himself and a pink-haired boy. They rustled with the bedsheets, exploring their bodies, their tastes in a complete and immense ecstasy; reaching for the stars scattered in thousands, millions of particles surging through fiery veins until the thrill comes off highest mountains to calm surfaces of pleasing serenity accompanied by pleasing fatigue.

But all drugs call you back home. And Mark's drug has called him. Now he stands before the doors he kissed goodbye to the last time they slammed shut to his defeated figure. He's coming back to Donghyuck; a man that doesn't belong to him. But his heart did, and so was Mark's to him.

Two knocks. Just like before, two knocks were enough for the doors to open wide revealing intruder to the welcomer. 

  
"Mark."

Oh, his whisper. How could a mere whisper have that strong impact on his pacing heartbeat, Mark never discovered such mystery. What a fucked up bastard he is. Donghyuck's hair wasn't glowing anymore, but his skin still resembled that of smooth caramel Mark longed to touch it, run a hand over his slender arm. Eyes that used to glow when caught in his own, exposed nothing but pain and anger. He heard his heart cry. Shout at him, call him derogatory names. This is the product of his own fuckery and he will face the consequences. 

Because right now Donghyuck has no plans to let him in. He has to fight to earn the entrance; the same entrance he took for granted many times. A heart once beating for him, now beating on his own.

"Donghyuck-ah."

The slam of the door was the tempest inside Donghyuck made audible. It was how he wrote the pain into the air. And he broke when the door slammed. In response, Mark started to bang against the doors like they were exclamation marks, and the bangs sounded like a plea for Donghyuck to come back to him, yearning for the latter to take him back into his arms. And the worst part of this epic is Donghyuck's reluctancy on keeping the gates closed - but he composes himself as much as he can while drowning in the misery of missing him. 

He picks up his phone and looks up for any contact he can find through tear-blinded eyes. And he sends a message. Jeno...

Oh no. What did he do? What did he send? His trembling fingers try in desperation to unsend the message but it was too late because the response is already there.

'Give me your address, now.'

...

Jaemin watched impatiently clock ticking another minute marching forward while leaving the previous minute behind; same minute Jaemin wasted like many before. Jeno was late, and that was so unlike him. Something must have occurred and Jaemin's guts rumbled nasty feeling as he tries to call Jeno for the second time in ten minutes or so.

_What is going on? Why is he not picking up?_

Just when he was about to dial-up again, his phone rings but the number appearing is not the one he expected to have him call. _Mark..._

"Mark?"

"Where are you?"

His voice sounded coarse like a fragmented rock in a hessian sack, moving and grinding against each other and somehow it still compliments the husky undertones to the usual vocal color. For a split second Jaemin pauses his breath. There's something clearly going on, and he's hesitant on finding out but nevertheless asks.

"What happened, Mark?"

Mark just laughed bitterly before reciprocating.

"You really don't want to know, do you?"

This had the pink-haired lad confused. What on Earth was he talking about? As if on cue, Mark speaks his mind out loud on the other side of the line.

"Your friend, your friend happened, Jaemin-ah. Can you believe it?"

Jaemin learned how to cope through a swirl of sickening fears when the inner voice comes to calm his panic - he simply continues in the same tone.

"Mark, what's going on? Please be clearer."

Again, only in the form of chuckle comes off Mark's lips as he responds.

"Your fucking friend gave me a black eye, you know? I went to...", but he hesitantly stops. The storm in his head ebbed no nothingness, now the silence was as pure as the wintry blanket when in season. He was simply halted in his tracks. How to tell a boy who likes him he's been at a place of a boy who loved him? One might consider Mark as oblivious, but he observed surroundings in silence better than a condor in the air searching for its prey. 

He was aware of the shit he got himself entangled with. And Donghyuck, and Jaemin as well. And that guy whatever his name was. What was he even doing there in the first place? And how did they knew each other?

Millions of questions scattered the moment Jaemin spoke again.

"Mark, what are you rambling about? Where are you? What friend?"

No, he cannot stain another pure heart, so he quits on confession and utters softly, "Forget it, I'm not myself. I just fought with someone, I have no idea what I'm talking about. I need to see you."

He really needed to see him, he's not lying. And maybe Mark's fucked up life affected his fucked up love life, and maybe he let his inner demons crawl up to his heart to keep it in shackles and fight against good sides of love. He liked Jaemin a lot, but his heart beats for Donghyuck. And the beats are subduing each second when he's reminded that the latter will never want to be his again.

He needs Jaemin.

...

  
Jeno was furious when he came to Donghyuck's property. Mark was banging against the front door pestering everything and everyone, but Jeno could give less care for people around him. It is ridiculous and inexplicable - a rush of adrenaline to kick someone in the face never itched the surface of his knuckles as hard as it did now. So he swings, the first chance he gets when a black-haired man turns to him he simply kicks him in the face. This is for Jaemin, you traitor. For _Donghyuck...Donghyuck..._

Just when he's about to knock and call out his name, Mark jumps to his feet and shoves him against the faded greyish wall right beside Donghyuck's flat's doors. 

"What the fuck are you doing here? Who the fuck are you?"

This triggered enough strength in Jeno to push Mark back and switch their positions when he claims the right to shout at him back.

"And what the fuck are you doing here? Huh?"

Bold, stupid but bold Mark concludes inwardly so he takes a chance to leave an imprint on Jeno's left cheekbone feeling his own eye swelling into what will be a bruised lump tomorrow probably, but he could care less. What the fuck was this dude doing here and how in the hell did he know Donghyuck? Were they hanging out? Did he fuck Donghyuck? His Donghyuck? Jealousy is an ugly emotion, and Mark had himself stupidly chuckle at this guy standing in a defensive position before him. 

Was he fucking expecting to have a boxing match or something? And if Mark would let his real anger pump itself in his boiling veins, he could take the latter hard and fast down with no difficulties to sweat on. He would kill him if he was worth it.

But boy, was he wrong - Jeno shoves him back harder than before and he winces audibly. 

"Listen, you fucker. I won't hesitate to bust my fists open against your ugly-ass face if you don't stop being a fucking prick right now and do not leave Donghyuck alone."

It's funny. Jeno knew Donghyuck for, what, a day or two and yet the protectiveness over the latter went to skyrocketing levels. And it terrified him. He's supposed to be thinking of Jaemin, but the latter doesn't come first to his mind. Afraid to go deeper into thoughts, Jeno simply tightens his hold on Mark's collar when a warm hand takes hold of his whitening knuckles. 

"Let him go, Jeno."

As broken as glass when shattered into pieces, whisper sings into his right ear when his eyes captivate Donghyuck looking at him as pleading as the night they first time met. He was begging him to stop hurting. Stop the pain...

So Jeno lets off Mark's collar wishing nothing more than to wipe that smirk off his face, but he sustains desires and looks back at Donghyuck who dares not to look at both of them; eyes glued to the dirty tiled floor like the culprit of the entire scene played. He looks around to see a few people gathered, amused by dramatic play interpreted in front of their nosy selves, so he takes one step back leaving the decision to Donghyuck.

But Donghyuck cannot decide - he loves Mark, but even in Jeno finds protectivness., at least now. He decides to be selfish at least once in his life.

"I don't want to see you ever come here again. Go."

And all three of them know whom he alludes to. 

"D-Donghyuck-ah..."

"If you don't go right now, I'll make sure to call security to report you for molestation and harassment. I am capable of exaggerating things, and you know that the best."

Shock was registered on Mark's face. Donghyuck chooses him. Defeat slowly gnaws at his insides when suffocating feeling reaches up to his lungs. He looks at both of them and focuses his eyes lastly on Donghyuck.

"When you're ready, please call me. We need to talk, all I'm asking is for a chance to talk."

And he's gone. 

Jeno's eyes accompany Mark's slumped figure until it disappears out of his view when he averts gaze back to Donghyuck who's own eyes seem to be glued to the same spot he's been observing all along. And something tugs at his heartstrings, he sees his inner self in Donghyuck's real-life self. 

His hand hesitantly reaches in the air to take a grip on the latter's shoulder but something's got a hold on him. He feels like he's stepping over boundaries, and he missed his meeting with Jaemin. Why does he feel so calm with that but so disturbed when seeing a guy he knew less than 48 hours small and fragile, standing like the world has abandoned him completely.

With a deep sigh, he speaks.

"I think it would be better for you to go inside now. I am sorry, for the-"

"Thank you. For coming. You didn't have to, but you did. And you saved me. From him, and from myself."

Donghyuck couldn't look at Jeno - out of shame, and out of fear to let him see more vulnerability than already seen. But a single tear finds its way down his cheek. Stinging his teary eyes and bouncing sadness through the atmosphere. How lame did he look before the boy right now? How stupid he must have felt for being involved in the scene when in fact he was hurting as much as he was?

The world is really small, and destiny is working in weird ways. So he musters a bit of strength left and looks up at Jeno whose eyes portray an inexplicable amount of worry. No chances to not let the warmth embrace his entire body. Why does he care?

Why do I care?

But he does. And it's not as if Jeno likes him, or if he's starting to see him in a different aspect. What they share is what makes bond-in-making connect two souls closer. So Jeno does another inexplicable thing.

"Do you want me to stay?", he utters quietly while framing honey-skinned boy's fragile figure with both arms placed at each shoulder gently but firmly at the same time. In response, he receives a weak nod and then a determined answer.

"Yes, please. Stay."

And Jeno stays. Completely forgotten is Jaemin and their meet up. 

He decides to stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still have no clue what I wrote, but hopefully, it was somewhat enjoyable(?)  
> At least...I'll have something that won't go off rails next time lol. This chap is madness, chaos, and all confusion all in one. I thought it'll make more sense, but oops...working 8 hrs a day has taken a toll on me :((
> 
> P.S. Again, if there are any typos or words that don't make sense, please...disregard it, pretend it's correct and do not let it get to you, okay? Don't allow your eyes to bleed.


	7. Encounter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeno encounters Jaemin in front of his apartment...all goes downhill from then on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanna extend my humblest apologies. A freaking month passed since the last time I've updated story and I just want to say I'm not justifying lack of updates with the enormous load of work I've had in the past month (THANK GOD I'M ON VACATION NOW!), and I had much trouble keeping up with my private life let alone updating the story. I'll be frequent these days on updates and I might finish it sooner than I thought. Anyways, hope you guys enjoy and pls do not mind any typos or grammar errors. I've tried to make as less as possible, hope it doesn't ruin the mood while reading...this shitty chap tho lol.

Jeno was awake a long time in the dark; for two hours, thinking and not thinking, in that barren state which is not sleeping, nor yet full wakefulness, and which is a painful strain. The couch was quite uncomfortable, rather too uncomfortable for its width - as if the folds have cut into some parts of his body whereas some have been left hanging in the air. Much odd choice when there are plenty of comfortable sofas to pick over this one, Jeno assumes. Or he tries to convince himself there's nothing else besetting his mind to finally get some shut-eye, a mild pain of swelling on his cheek is reminiscent of the reason he is in Donghyuck's apartment.

  
Suddenly, Jeno's breath seemed to stutter in his lungs before he let it go, feeling the tension drain from his body. Morning seems to be slow in rising, a few hours left according to a huge, black clock hanging over the wall framing free passage to the small kitchen. Although not nosy type of person, Jeno succeeded to take a glance around in Donghyuck's apartment which seems to be fairly decorated but still moderately simple completing the full concept of simplicity Donghyuk's obviously fan of. Similar to his personality, bare and simple, without any camouflage and pomposity - almost self-depicting. Simple, alone, and almost empty. Like how the latter felt. Like how he's feeling right now.

Bottles of liquor did not miss his brisk eyes when he entered the apartment for the first time. Seemingly meticulous property with mess here and there indicates that he's hanging. Barely, but still hanging - God forbid how it looked like before. Jeno can't help but think about how it must be humiliating to experience what Donghyuck is going through. Or, how he perhaps felt humiliated exposing himself. He was in love, no - scratch that. Donghyuck loves that bastard. And some weird feeling smites Jeno's inner being completely as if this odd cognition conflicts the course of his heartbeat. No, Jeno is not falling for the latter nor he looks at him romantically, he feels rush of emotions surging through his venous system - he feels the need to protect him which makes him feel terribly guilty. Because he should be protecting Jaemin. 

He didn't forget the latter explaining shortly via text message that 'a sudden change in circumstances' prevented him from meeting up with his friend while taking a pillow and duvet cover from Donghyuck who barely spoke a word after the entire circus performance played outside his apartment. Jeno's tongue ached badly. He wanted to ask if a dirty-blonded boy was okay. He wanted to comfort him which was too strange firstly because they met a day before, secondly...no specific reason as he desperately convinces himself into it. 

What Donghyuck needs will never come and no matter how much he seeks, he won't find it. He grieved on the inside but believed that he hid his sorrow from everyone. Donghyuck was one of those people that anyone can read easily. One could see it in his eyes, his movements, his drooping posture. However, no one dared mention it to him. Precisely, he was afraid he'd meet someone as brave to poke right in the wound and have his walls crumble down, his world of defense collapsing on the mention on his name. Jeno felt the urge to protect him again. And he was terrified. 

...

Donghyuck tossed and turned but just couldn't find the right position. A lingering haze of sleep sat somewhere at the back of his mind but was too far away to reach, floating in the pool of his memories on events that occurred a few hours ago. Icy discomfort blossomed in his chest and made it difficult for him to breathe. Trying to make himself fall into slumber, Donghyuck took as deep breaths as he could, but many just caught in his throat, like an icy wind had blown down there and managed to freeze the air solid. At that moment, Donghyuck knew this was going to be a long night. Because Jeno is sleeping outside on his couch in the living room.

Thoughts trundled through his brain like a through train, with no intention of stopping. What will the morning look at like when he will stand in front of the boy sleeping on his couch, bare-faced with sun rays lightening their way in his personal space, exposing his insecurities and struggles to avoid inconvenience?

The anticipation was a nervous kind of energy. It tingled through him like electrical sparks on the way to lower part of his body, gathering in his toes. Gosh was he feeling like the lamest, this ridiculous giddiness surging through toxic cells of his body swaying it into a complete state of levitation has led him through thoughts abolishing reasonable illation on what he's supposed to feel like at the moment.

It looked like a constant conflict between two sides - the rationality and preposterousness. Why did it have to be him feeling unreciprocated love? Why did he have to go through the hardships only brought by loving? 

There's a certain level of tiredness that equates to insanity; for Donghyuck it's when he'd like to temporarily dislocate his spirit from his body as if he could ask God to take him out for just a short while, let his soul go wherever souls go to be zen. Donghyuck's a fairly brave person, he really is, but sometimes he just doesn't wanna feel the process of recovery all over again. He knows he'll wake up feeling okay physically in the morning, it's simply a level of worn-out-ness that hurts. His chronic mental tiredness is what can take its toll on him. And such tiredness never ceases to exist; in fact - it is as alive as ever and permanent as a time of presence. 

Eventually, tiredness takes him into its hands to drift far from reality into illusion. The reality, he will worry about it in his conscious state.

...

A heavy silence settled over them, thicker than the uneasy tension in the atmosphere. Donghyuck's unsettled eyes glanced unceremoniously around and tried to avoid catching someone's glances. Donghyuck shifted uncomfortably in his seat grasping his sweaty, nervous hands under the table, and even shuffling his feet against the wheels on his chair, awkwardly tracing the outlines of his monitor while seemingly judging glance makes him feel smaller than a poppy seed. It couldn't be avoided in any way - Doyoung had to come this morning and caught Jeno clumsily getting up almost falling over duvets entangled in between his legs. It was rather comical when observed from distance, but to Donghyuck it was leaning more to a horror - he felt as if being caught red-handed and he could tell his brother was indeed flustered.

Jeno was quickly done gathering his things rushing by Doyoung who he greeted before heading out of the apartment. No words have been exchanged, but he could sense tension suffocating the air he's been desperately trying to breathe in. Or was it simply panic blocking it coming to his lungs? Donghyuck didn't know whether to explain Doyoung the whole situation or to leave it be. All he knew he had no strength, no will, and certainly no fight within him. Bothered with the situation, with Mark, and for some reason Jeno.

  
Donghyuck's body aches for rest yet his mind needs it to move, to burn the anxiety pent up within. Every night is a futile tussle of conflicting thoughts. Every night burdening feeling weighing down his shoulder further to the bottom. He clearly was far from getting over Mark let alone completely being over him. All thoughts forced to be pushed to the back of his mind when Doyoung finally sits by his side; Jeno was free today. And Donghyuck didn't know whether he felt relief or fear coming down on him.

He looked cautiously at Doyoung making the latter feel quite offended. How could he ever think about Doyoung in that way? His brother didn't even judge him in his worse state. Yet, Donghyuck found disappointment swimming around dark, piercing pupils - a reflection of his cowardice lingering in the very middle of uneasiness and uncertainties shaped in a big whirlpool Donghyuck feels like being sucked in.

Why does he look so timid comparing to his brother? It's not as if he slept with Jeno.

A thought he wanted to scratch with a bold, thick, red line - his brother couldn't assume him sleeping around, he couldn't mistake him for that kind of person, could he? Well, while he might not have slept directly with other people, he did share one dick with a few of them though.

Sensing tension piling up rather than easing up, Doyoung's sigh forms into words. 

"I wouldn't ask you about a rather surprising situation this morning, Donghyuck. I don't judge someone I love, you know that. I am worried, love. You're my baby brother, it's not like I can sit around and calmly accept you getting into-"

"Mark came last night. I didn't sleep with Jeno. But, I let him sleepover because I was afraid."

He abruptly interrupted Doyoung before the older could jump to conclusions. He finally looked, really looked back at his brother. He didn't deserve to have such relative. Concern and love are all Doyoung displayed, all he could emit from his eyes. Donghyuck only continues, "I needed someone...to comfort me. Even from a distance. I...I don't know why, but I felt protected. He protected me last night."

Doyoung all but listened to his brother confessing what has been bothering him. And he felt like an utter idiot. No, he knew Donghyuck would never stoop so low to find comfort in other man's hands, but desperate time call for desperate measures and his baby brother was not in the right state of mind. 

"I..I don't know how to describe it. It is as if someone's watching over you from the shadow. I was scared last night.", and he really was, salty liquid hitting corners of his lips indicating he's crying but he nevertheless continues, "I was scared because I might have...taken down the walls myself. I might have let him enter my life again. I was so scared, Doyoung."

Mentioned man pulled him already in a tight, protective hug. When will his brother stop hurting? When will the wounds start healing? 

Streaming tears cleansed Donghyuck's red cheeks. Few droplets remained, forgetting their way as the path was swept from beneath them, consequently blurring his vision with waves of sadness only the broken encounter. The salty release calmly flowed into his mouth so that he could taste his own sorrow.

Donghyuck realized he just got too used to tears, and they never cease to exist. He should really consider learning to refuse their rebellion and stop the cries of pain over a person who hurt him. He needed salvation. 

Doyoung's concerned look never ceased to exist. He didn't want his baby brother to give into a moment of weakness and do something he's definitely sure will become a source of regrets. He could not allow him to surrender to his weakness.

"Oh, my love. I am so sorry you're going through all of this. You do not deserve to suffer. You do not deserve any of this."

The younger weakly pulled out of his embrace, looking into his eyes. How broken he must have appeared to be when Doyoung's own eyes threatened to stream tears; tears he'd be the cause of.

How pathetic his life has become, how pathetic he was in general. 

"I am okay, hyung. No, I am not actually..but I will be. Eventually."

And Doyoung hated himself. He hated his guts for praying to God Donghyuck doesn't fall in other man's hands to seek comfort. 

...

It was a punch to gut, rather a fatal one. Jaemin could never picture Jeno turning his back on him. Nor he could believe that his best friend would befriend a guy who Mark's been with. Standing in front of the too-familiar doors, he contemplates whether to knock or simply leave the place. His decision quickly died when his friend appeared suddenly from his left side, as stunned as himself.

Observing his slightly tall figure, Jaemin's concluded the latter has gone back to training. He looks more in shape and his hair was cut short with sides neatly shaved, glasses fixed on a tall nose-bridge but lips still shaped into a wide smile. He missed him back, but Jaemin's heart ached. 

This was not his friend, he could not be his friend after finding out he's been in sort of communication with Mark's...whatever he was to him. Nevertheless, he decides to start off slowly.

"Jeno-yah"

"Jaemin-ah, hey...I missed you."

Jeno walked up to Jaemin slowly and pulled him closer to him wrapping his arms around Jaemin's figure. His embrace was warm, and his big strong arms seemed to emit that familiar protective feeling when wrapped around pink-haired boy's frail body. The world around Jaemin melted away as he squeezed Jeno back, not wanting the moment to end.

God knows now how much Jaemin missed his friend, and how much he mourned over the fact he was losing him to another boy. 

They both pull away slowly, looking into each other's eyes as if searching for any kind of emotion caught in the swirling vertigos of questions to be asked - Jaemin cared for one question and one answer to it.

Jeno, on the other hand, decided to welcome him into his apartment immediately making coffee up to Jaemin's likings. They sat looking into each other, waiting for whoever's about to break the ice when they accidentally speak at the same time.

"I've got something to ask you.."

They timidly smile to each other but knowing Jeno's been better in manners he urges the latter to speak first. 

And Jaemin suddenly feels burdened by the look Jeno gave him - curiosity, happiness, and harmony. He hated the way his friend looked at him as if he didn't do something wrong. As if he didn't pick the other side. As if he didn't shut the doors to his friend.

"I..I heard something. I want to ask you, but I just don't believe you'd...you'd actually do..something like that."

Time has stopped for Jeno. Jaemin could notice a smile on his face slowly fading away, concern and worry displayed in his dark orbs.

"I heard that..you are...Gosh, I hate to ask this but...are you friends with Mark's..guy, a boy from a club?"

And that was it. Jaemin did not come to check on him but he learned about Donghyuck. Even sigh coming out of his parted lips takes so much work when the lungs start to ache; when the heart starts to crumble even more. 

He looks away finding birds chirping outside more interesting to look at; praying calmness to give him the strength not to explode. Was he always so selfish? Was Jeno all this time blind to realize he's never gonna be his friend's priority?

Both questions led to one outcome - pain. And he utters quietly.

"We work together. Believe me, the world is really small..."

"Mark told me. And you punched him because you were allegedly defending that boy."

This conversation can go in two ways - either cut off all strings or tell everything sitting on his guts. But Jaemin is good at provoking, and he continues to provoke.

"I thought you were my friend. That is why we didn't meet yesterday, right? That is why you texted two hours later that you can't come? Because you found a friend in that guy? Really, Jeno? Really? I've been thinking how to make up with you all this God damn time, and you go ahead defending this sappy bitch-"

"Do not fucking call him that. His name is Donghyuck and you can only call him by his name in front of me."

Jaemin remained sitting at the table looking like a frozen picture, still as a statue - too dumbfounded to form any coherent sentence in his brain let alone voice it. He looks at Jeno's equally shocked face realizing the words have been quicker than thoughts but...that is how Jeno really felt. And Jaemin's eyes adjusted to red color blinding their irises. 

"You...You fucking...YOU FUCKING DEFEND HIM?"

He was not having it. Jeno was sick and tired of Jaemin's pure ignorance of other people's emotions. If he needs to be called on selfishness, Jeno is the right one to do so, and he makes sure he does before he decides conversely.

"Your fucking boyfriend came to him last night! He called me because he was scared...God fucking sakes, did you even ask yourself why he came there in the first place?"

This got to hurt really bad because Jeno could notice tears gathering up in Jaemin's eyes. He continues, not weak on Jaemin's fragileness any longer, or so he decides to convince himself.

"Do you think it's easy for me to see my friend going after a boy who's been playing two people at the same time behind their backs? Why can't you see past your pain, Jaemin? Why can't you expand your horizons on what's happening here?"

"I...I thought you'd be a friend who I can rely on."

This only adds fuel to fire.

"A friend you can rely on? For what, Jaemin? As far as I know, you relied on me all the God damn time, and when it was my time to rely on you, you were not there. Instead, you went to some other guy and completely neglected him."

And Jaemin knew what Jeno's talking about; his feelings never subdued for him. Confession still registered in archives of memories, Jeno's dejected look after turning down his love. How could he stoop so low to come after his friend who's been suffering all this time? But could he blame himself for not knowing how to reciprocate feelings and was he the one who suggested to forget everything? They were 18, both naive and stupid when they came out clear about their feelings to each other. They are 20 now and it is evident that Jeno actually never got over him. Worst of everything - Jaemin knew but he continued hurting him regardless.

How selfish he was for looking out to find his own luck leaving behind someone who loved him fondly?

Or was it Jeno's way to crawl into his mind and implant chip in a form of guilt and remorse into his brain?

"Jeno...I have been clear on where we stand since day one. You cannot turn the situation against me. You cannot pull a trigger to my direction when I have been only honest with you all this time. But you went ahead and stood on a side of someone you've known for a few days instead of someone you knew for years."

This guilt-tripping had no room in Jeno's mind anymore. He could still sense ignorance entwined with words coming out of Jaemin's mouth and that was causing the main problem. He's still being selfish, he's still thinking about himself only.

"You're so selfish. You've always been. Okay, it broke my heart you found someone to be with but have I ever told you not to be with anyone you've been even before him? Have I ever fettered you not to be with anyone in a relationship before? You are only thinking about yourself, Jaemin."

A lightbulb flickered in Jaemin's brain finally realizing what exactly Jeno is defending here-or rather, who. Dry chuckle rolls off the edges of his lips.

"You got to be fucking kidding me, right? You have feelings for that guy, or what? You are again defending him!"

"And you are again selfish."

Jeno counters without hesitation. He wishes he could pack his thoughts in a nice way when some people are far more hurting in this fucked up situation. It looks like his attitude is taking effect when Jaemin's posture slumps down, but the latter doesn't give up - Jaemin was never one to give up.

"You are being bastard to me now, Jeno. I don't want to lose a friend.", was all Jaemin could speak out as calmly as possible, tears started rolling down his cheeks and he had no strength to stop them. Jeno's heart shatters at sight. But he can't continue destroying it even more for someone else's sake. Jaemin never sacrificed himself for him before. 

"I didn't want to lose you, Jaemin. But you kind of escaped from me. You slipped through my fingers and you left this apartment, slamming doors behind clearly giving me a message that we won't be friends we used to be before. Because you'd rather get blinded by your love for him than let me reason you because I genuinely care. You left me alone chasing after fake happiness.", says Jeno with a small pause to take in a breath. His eyes never leaving shaken figure before him. "You are losing time with that guy. Because he's having feelings for Donghyuck and-"

"Stop. Just stop! Please...", whispered out silently pink-haired boy whose vision got blurred by torrents of tears spilling of the edges of his tightly shut eyes. He is aware that a guy he loves is in love with someone else. He knows and he saw it when Mark explained how he happened to get a bruise under his eye. The older was reluctant to confess, that Jaemin could tell by the way he looked at him. He still did, and Jaemin wished he kept it as a secret. What hurts the most - a guy you love loving someone else or friend you've had by your side for so long not standing with you anymore?

Jeno stands up turning his back to Jaemin. He can't look at him now. Because if he continues looking at him, he'll rush to his side, pull him into a hug, kiss his restless pink locks, and whisper words of comfort through them.

Donghyuck appears before his closed eyes. His heart threatens to burst out of his chest. How can he think about him right now? Why is he thinking of him in the first place? Fear consumes his confused mind and he shakes his head when a pair of arms hugs his abdomen tightly, the familiar scent of fresh mint and lemon hitting up his nostrils. He can't lose himself, he can't give in to his feeling for this fragile boy crying against his shoulder.

"P-please, Jeno...p-please, don't l-leave me..."

And he shuts his eyes tight, own tears knocking violently against his lids when a promise whispers into his mind.

_I won't leave you...I will never leave you..._

And image resurfaces as if standing in front of him. Much alive-like, much real, and much scary to Jeno.

_Donghyuck-ah..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments below would be appreciated just to check where I'm heading with this. Thank you for your patience guys, I love you all. Hopefully, life ain't gonna be hard on us more than it is with the circumstances we currently live in. Take care, stay safe and love yourselves and your dearest ones:***
> 
> I honestly feel this chap to be quite confusing and tbh, I am confused as well these days but I promise it'll get better in the next chaps tho :DD
> 
> I am also turning this into slow burn rather than going quicker, but I believe the situation will develop in the next chap and after that I'll see if this goes faster or bound to happen slower?? Idk, we'll see ://


	8. Memories of Ache

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's my b-day today, and I felt a bit emotional. This chapter doesn't give off anything, it's just a burst of angsty emotions and maybe to let you see a new side just for a moment at least of our antagonists. Enjoy :)
> 
> Also, the 2nd chapter is coming up tomorrow. I am so sorry, the latest update was back in a freaking July, almost three months but juggling between life duties it's kind of a struggle to write esp if you work day and night. I'll try to be as frequent as possible tho.
> 
> I know this chap's too short but tomorrow's one won't be ;))

The paralyzing hurt spread through his body like icy, liquid metal. Mark clenched his fists as he hesitantly took each step. He noticed his feet tremble. His legs twitched, fighting the impulse to whirl around and sprint down that damp, shadowed corridor; his throat closed in threat of screaming at the underpaid, overworked staff who called mother's case hopeless, and his jaw became tight. Fire in the form of water stung Mark's dark brown eyes, threatening their attack. He crunched his teeth over his lip harder than he ever had. Salty blood filled his mouth. Slowly, his brain picked up his feet in an unbalanced gait, carelessly dropping the lead weights to the ground with each harrowing step. Reality tried to tap its way into his marching brain's rhythm. Mother was dying. Mark was helpless. That was all.

And so was the nightmare shattered when Mark finally woke up drenched in sweat and burning tears forming at the corners of his eyes. The anniversary to his mother's death is nearing; another year without a person he could run to whenever would cruelty of this world jump on his back. Without his mother, Mark would surely follow the steps of his father. She would always encourage his dreams and love for music. She'd always protect him when his father had no boundaries to call him all names Mark cannot even remember but the dull ache in the heart does. 

He looks to his right to see a steady mop of pink hair peeking under covers before letting a sigh march over the edges of his dry lips, too long and too short at the same time. He needs to drink water to calm his heart, and he needs to take a shower at 3:30 AM as the clock on the bedside table ticks. Life was utter shit, and so was himself. Mark was aware of how shitty a person he is. 

But, he cannot for the fear of being left alone settle for one person. God knows how much Donghyuck means to him but to admit out loud his emotions growing bigger each day for the said boy was absolutely petrifying. Completely too much for Mark.

What if Donghyuck ended up getting tired of him, and then finding someone else to replace plain Mark who got nothing better to do but pursue his love for music. That love is the one that would never abandon him, but Donghyuck's could. And it would, eventually because Mark was an absolute fuck-up of human utter piece of shit. And maybe it was for the better to cut all strings with Donghyuck except, he couldn't.

A scene in front of Donghyuck's apartment keeps repeating like a broken record, secured in the archive of recent memories. The way Donghyuck refused to look at him, the way his hand reached up Jeno's arm as if seeking protection. He felt protected by that guy. Something Mark clearly lacked the most, even with Jaemin.

Goodness, he liked Jaemin with the same intensity as Donghyuck. Except, Jaemin seemed desperate when Donghyuck used to be. Perhaps his sadistic, bastard side found satisfaction in looking men he liked falling apart for him despite being aware they did not deserve such treatment. Or mistreatment should better fit. So he gets up slowly heading first to the kitchen where he downs a glass of water and then to the bathroom.

One look in the mirror and Mark's urge to vomit closes tightly into unbearable grasp around his throat. Just like his father, fucking women for fear of being hurt. His mother, Johnny's mother, and his other half-brother's mother.

Could it be that his curse was to inherit the worst personality his father wore shamelessly? Out of everything, Mark mastered playing with people's hearts whoring around giving into pleasure of having a stranger in his arms reaching stars together with him. What a fucking bitch he is, and he deserves nothing better than Donghyuck's spit on his face. Absolute fucking bastard.

The water pours down, it drips by Mark's side, as his mind fades into dullness and everything is a foggy illusion. The sensation of the steamy water calms him for a moment; it takes his mind off things. All the things Mark's haunted by. It's the water. His mind swirls, and it's like he's standing under an everlasting waterfall. Ever so beautiful, but it can never last, he knows that now. Stepping out of the shower and quickly drying himself, Mark dresses up in new clothes and exits as quiet as possible.

There was Jaemin, slightly confused and worried-looking ethereal as ever into Mark's surprisingly calm face. He's about to say something, but Mark beats him to it.

"I will have a rough week. Mom's anniversary is nearing."

It's the look that he gives Mark. Those shimmering coffee dark eyes, probing into Mark's soul, desperately wanting to see what's going on in there. And Mark cannot hold it in anymore. Brick by brick, Mark's walls came tumbling down. He ran straight back to the bathroom slamming doors tight. 

Mark didn't care that Jaemin saw his tears. He just broke down. The sobs punched through, ripping through his muscles, bones, and guts. He pressed his forehead against the mirror and began to let his heart yank in and out of his chest. It pulled back in like a yo-yo. Over and over. In and out. Mark was hollow. His life crumbled in his fingertips. Then, suddenly, Jaemin was there, backhugging his shaking figure. The pink-haired boy reached into his hollowness. Yet another person besides Donghyuk knew this side of his.

The crumbling, vulnerable side of a boy with fear and solitude swimming in the darkest depths of his eyes' irises. Mark is just a confused human who hurts people around himself. Maybe, just maybe he should let one person slip through his greedy fingers. Set him free. Let the inner demons taste loss for once.

Jaemin presses kiss gently to the back of Mark's neck, worry embracing his sense into bone-crushing hug. He was losing him too soon, and Mark's sensitivity has reached its heights. He knew about Mark's relationship with his father, and he knew how the latter mourned over his mother. She seemed to be the one who loved him the most, and while Mark thought she taught him of love...Jaemin dismisses such connotation and comes to final conclusion. Utterly petrifying conclusion.

Mark learned to love much later on. Mark was taught to love one person. And that person could be considered as Jaemin's nemesis, kryptonite. Someone who will stay in his life no matter how much Jaemin wishes the opposite. An inevitable person in his life.

So, Jaemin leans as close as possible whispering gentle 'I got you' while squeezing eyes tightly not daring to open them as tears threaten to fall each second he inhales the latter's scent.

He doesn't want to give up on the person who doesn't love him but it hurts, and Jaemin is a slave to pain. Because he blindly loves. If Mark decides to seek comfort in Donghyuck's arms...he is no one to stop his heart what it longs for.

...

The room is dark. The curtains are drawn in a vain attempt to filter the orange glow of the streetlights illuminating the street outside. Donghyuck glances at the digital clock at the side of his bed, the numbers 04:30 glowing in a bright green. He sighs wearily. Unable to sleep, Donghyuck sits upright on the bed, his legs outstretched and covered with a warm duvet. Nights like these are usually quiet, but it isn’t today, because the pitter-patter of rain lingers in the background. It brings an odd sense of protection and safety along with it. 

It makes him feel somewhat less alone. Sometimes the rain goes pit-a-pat against the glass of his windows, often sounding like the gentle tapping of someone against it. Intrigued, Donghyuck pushes a little bit of the heavy curtains and peeks outside. Droplets of water streak down the window panes as it rains on. Odd, fluid shapes spiked at even odder angles that leave trails whenever they move downwards definitely are captivating sights for an insomniac at this time. 

Through the rain, Donghyuck can make out the street outside. Everything is the same, only grayer and blurred with softer edges. He walks back to his bed eying his phone on the bedside table. It was approaching and a deep sigh finds its way out when he looks around to the window.

It is too painful but his years-long duty calls on him to fulfill the request. Would he muster up enough strength after the recent incident? Donghyuck sighs for the nth time. It's not easy, and it's far from what he should be doing. But, Donghyuck's stupid heart cannot forget. And he won't forget how a man he loves shatters in his arms around this time. Just this time, just for this time he will selflessly pick the other from the ground into the embrace he used to hold him all these years.

So, Donghyuck sends a message.

  
' _Can we meet tomorrow at 1:40 PM? I'll be waiting for you in our cafe._ '

He notices a new message came to his inbox. Opening the message surprise reaches his eyes when Jeno's name pops up. What is the messaging him for?

_'Dongyuck, I need to see you.'_

And for an unexplained reason, Donghyuck's heart leaps for two different emotions tugging at its strings. Between two fires, Donghyuck wonders - which will burn the most, but another buzz sounds on his phone, a new message reached inbox which he clicks instantly.

 _'Donghyuck-ah, thank you. See you tomorrow._ '


	9. New Pages

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no clue where I'm heading with this, and I don't know if it has any plot from now on, but I'll stick to it. My apologies for these...unexpected serpentines of plot twists, I'll make it better from the next chapter as it's gonna get a bit clearer when I start writing about...let's say, their pasts. Na Jaemin will surprise you exceptionally so don't hate on this boy, pls :(((
> 
> Also, the next chapter will be...so long, it'll look like a one-shot so anticipate it as it gets better after this one, trust me :DD

Nausea swirled unrestrained in Mark's empty stomach. His head swam with half-formed regrets. His heart felt as if blood had become tar as it struggled to keep a steady beat. His melancholy mood hung over him like a black cloud, raining his personal sorrow down on him while waiting for Donghyuck in the cafe they used to share many precious memories with one another. 

  
The ache of longing to be with him echoed through the very marrow of Mark's bones. It was a chill wind trapped in the chambers of his heart. And as the allotted time for his return drew nearer, time itself seemed to slow to such a leisurely pace it seemed cruel to Mark, ringing out the seconds until 1:40 PM. Mark never knew that missing someone could take over every fiber of his being and wring him out like a wet sponge every day. It is a torment he was unprepared for. He saw in Donghyuck's eyes glow his mother selflessly granted just for him.

But Mark the bastard he is didn't know how to appreciate this gift; it had no price or expiry date. It was meant to last for as long as breathing becomes a hard life task. And when Donghyuck enters the cafe, his heart stops. Neither alive nor dead. Time seemed to stop dead in track as well. 

Mark's not sure if one'd say Donghyuck was classically beautiful, but his large liquid brown eyes held such intelligence and serenity that it was impossible for Mark not to be held prisoner by them. His cheekbones weren't especially high and his nose was a little too small to be perfect, but there was undeniable symmetry to his features and perhaps that's what held him so captivated at the moment. Donghyuck wore his long black trench paired with a casual yet elegant outfit. It was all Mark could do not to stutter and blush when Donghyuck finally addressed him.

"Mark", and was this melody too sweet? To hear his name whisper out of favorite pair of lips. Lips he tainted with filthy ones. Lips which belonged to anyone but him; anyone who'd appreciate them enough to stretch them into a bright smile every day. Donghyuck deserved that. And Mark was not a perfect candidate.

"Donghyuck-ah, I'm glad to see you."

It sounded broken. Mark sounded broken, and for a split second, Donghyuck wondered if he'd step over his own boundaries to hug the latter whose hands hung limply over his knees, his eyes were red and staring before him. Familiar ache tugged at Donghyuck's heartstrings playing of saddest melodies when he sat before him.

"I came here for one purpose. I was always there for you and with you during these - times. I am not planning to abandon you, Mark. But I would need some time, to heal these wounds."

And Mark knew perfectly to what Donghyuck alluded. He planned to somehow get over him, and he was right for doing so. But why does his heart protest much against it? Why is everything fading away in front of his eyes? 

Mark's eyes shifted to the side and became glazed with a glassy layer of tears. As he blinked, they dripped from his eyelids and slid down his cheeks. Mark bit his lip tightly in an attempt to hide any sound that wanted to escape from his mouth; Donghyuck's heart sank.

Mark's lower lip quivered as words slowly made their way out of his mouth. “I have…” he began, yet what followed was engulfed in the tremors. It broke him down, how stupid he was? To have a spark of hope linger deep in the depths of his agony? Was he normal for thinking about a chance? Donghyuck was too far good for him, a broken character in this life who swims in the comfort of a person he merely likes to briefly forget what he lost.

So, he starts over again and speaks.

"I u-understand. My mom's anniversary is in two days. I guess, I'll see you then.", it almost sounded as if he spoke to himself. "H-how are you?"

"I didn't come here Mark to speak about our daily routines and to have a casual conversation. After all, we've been through, I've been through recently...I don't think I can have any normal conversation with you any time soon."

It became too much for Donghyuck at his point. He planned to talk to Mark, planned to pour out everything that was on his mind all these days, to call him a traitor, a heartless bastard who played his emotions off because as much as Mark was aware of Donghyuck's feelings he had known of Mark's awareness of it. And yet, he played no important role in Mark's life to spare him feeling like an utter piece of shit. Like one of those Mark would spend nights with and bid farewells forever.

He couldn't bring himself to stoop so low, and to make him look even more miserable. Sure, he knew he's battling in a war with inner demons but so does everyone. If Mark was planning on seeking warmth in his hugs, he was plainly being a fool here. No, his tears did not feel good to Donghyuck. In fact, he's still coping with this huge urge to pull him against his body and whisper sweet nothings into his shiny jet-black hair. But, everything has its limit and so was Donghyuck's tolerance.

"You need to get yourself together, Mark. I've really had enough putting up with your shit so far. I am sorry, I don't mean to sound so heartless. I'm not. You know my feeling for you. As much as it's hard to erase love, it still hurts. It's unhealthy. This between us was unhealthy so please. Please, for your own sake...stand on your feet on your own this time. Or you'll keep falling, and there'll be no one to reach out for you. I won't be there as well, Mark. And I really wish to be. Please..."

...

Why did it bother him? Why does all this bother him, Jeno wondered. 

Re-reading the message over and over, he can't help but furrow further at Donghyuck's text. 

' _I am meeting Mark tomorrow, please understand._ '

No, he can't. He can't understand why does this guy Mark has everyone's attention? What is so special about him? Why do both Jaemin and Donghyuck run to him eventually? He felt disappointed, mostly at Donghyuck. Didn't he avoid him? Didn't he call him a few nights ago to protect him from the very same person he's meeting or has met today? All these questions overwhelmed his brain, headache pounding, throbbing, like a toothache in one's brain, right between the eyes, migraine, visual disturbances, excruciating, debilitating, soaring. Why out of all people he had to entangle himself in this situation? Why?

Other than feeling this throbbing pain in his head, worry never stops to come around when his thoughts shift to his friend. Jaemin. Does he know? Does he know that Mark's meeting with Donghyuck? Each time he thinks of it, some unknown feeling pierces through him, ugly and unpleasant it almost resembles to resent, or even fury.

As he was about to pick up his jacket and head out to clear his mind and breath in some fresh air, a light knock sounds off massive, wooden doors. It must be a neighbor.

Except, when he opens the door it was not a neighbor standing there. It was one of two people he thought of. Na Jaemin.

There was a pregnant pause where Jeno's face washed blank with confusion like his brain cogs couldn't turn fast enough to take in the view before his wide eyes. But before he'd begin to ask anything, Jaemin whispers not daring to go above or he might collapse right there and then.

"I am not with Mark anymore."


	10. Letting it go...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I don't know what this is but I'm nearing the end. I know I promised that this will be a long chap but I've left it for the last two chapters which will give this story a whole picture of the situation and its development. Consider it as a detailed explanation of all chapters combined. Yup, I'm that complicated and confusing :/

Seeing Jaemin after their last encounter made Jeno realize how much he missed the latter. Words did not surprise him, eventually, he knew deep in his heart that Jaemin would knock on the door of his apartment to seek comfort in Jeno's arms. It has always been like this - ending up loving someone to being heartbroken by that someone leading to nights spent wetting Jeno's shirts with tears while eating ice cream and snacks the older would provide for their lovesick nights. 

With Jaemin's struggles come Jeno's pain and fatigue. But, he can't say no to his pink-haired boy, crumbling and vanishing into nothing in front of him right now - Jaemin needs him, and Jeno's masochistic side always prevails. He lets his friend enter his apartment slowly shutting the door behind him. 

Jaemin takes off his shoes in the hallway before eyeing his friend standing in front of him obviously expecting some kind of explanation to hear. His sigh trembles through sullen lips contemplating how to begin the conversation. He catches himself into thinking since when did it start to feel hard commencing conversation with Jeno? The answer lingers in his mind, but he is completely petrified to let seep through the brain into his sense. Jaemin was without that completely aware of how fucking selfish he is.

Quickly observing older's face, he makes out tiredness hanging below ever so warm eyes but his handsomeness is so enormous that even dark circles and tired lines designed on his forehead look as appealing and charming as his entire face.

He hates himself. Why couldn't he ever reciprocate Jeno's feelings? Why was he sucker for bastards who broke hearts and promises whispered against his lips? Jeno was everything; perfect boyfriend material. Caring, soft-spoken, too good for this world, hard-working, empathetic, comforting, not to mention extremely gorgeous and warm. An easy-going man. Why was his own life laughing at him? Why couldn't he fall for Jeno?

Because Jeno deserved better. And Jaemin was not adequate candidate to date someone as perfect as Jeno. People would say that no one is perfect, but to Jaemin Jeno was the epitome of perfection. Perfection his imperfections could not be allowed to tarnish.

His eyes scan Jeno's jacket clearly indicating that the older was planning to go out.

"Did I ruin your plans? I'm sorry, I shouldn't assume you had time to..", he stops eyes fixed to the floor. What was he about to say? To waste his time on an idiot friend who comes back like a hyena when there's no one to pick him up back? Maybe this time he wouldn't have Jeno as well to help him overcome shitty choices in his life because he feels tired. And Jaemin wouldn't blame him hadn't he known Jeno better - Jaemin knows Jeno will still be there for him, and at the mere thought of made nausea claws at his throat. 

"Stop. Stop overthinking, Jaemin.", ever so calmly, Jeno whispers while taking his jacket off hanging it on the hanger by the front door. He carefully places a hand on younger's back giving him a long comforting stroke as they both head to the living room.

  
The sofa Jaemin sits on is not really grey, not only grey; it has a soft mauve under figure, a design like veining; a batik. Jeno chose it because it did not hurt his eyes. And because it provided much warmth and comfort for their cuddling times; endearing reminiscences caught and locked safely in Jaemin's aching heart. This time everything is different, and Jeno knows it as well.

"What happened? I mean, if you feel comfortable telling me, I don't-", Jeno abruptly stops sensing discomfort tailoring its way in the air when Jaemin's weak smile assures him that it's absolutely fine to ask. He did appear in front of his front doors and blurted out that whatever kind of relationship with Mark was over, didn't he? It was Jeno's absolute right to ask because they're again in the situation they both revived far too many times with one minor change to details - Jeno is slipping away.

So, Jaemin mans up this time and speaks.

"We've come to conclusion that whatever is going on between us is not leading to any positive outcome. Eventually, this would happen - sooner or later."

Jeno hums in response knowing better than to interrupt his friend as he waits patiently for the other to gather more strength and continue his talk.

"I was selfish, I am selfish. I literally ran after a boy who was loved by a boy he loved back knowing where I'm heading with this. Gosh, I am such a terrible person."

As much as he tried to hold it in, the pain came out like an uproar from his throat in the form of a silent scream. The beads of water started falling down one after another, without a sign of stopping. Curse his life and him as a person, he did indeed deserve this ache.

"Jaemin-ah..."

"No, Jeno stop. No. You don't have to comfort me, I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you. You should've shut the door and leave me standing outside. You should've yelled at me and chase me away."

Jeno sat there, tears pricking his eyes, pale hands trembling with fear and sadness. He's been trying to block out the screams in his head alarming him, but now it's impossible, the noise is ripping his heart. It is all too sudden, he cries silently into his hands.

"I would never do that to you, Jaemin. Never.", and his voice was cracking at each uttered syllable as the pain grows to its impossible lengths.

"But you should have, Jeno. You should because I never did anything but used you. And n-now...", lungs desperately crying for air when Jaemin takes a deep breath before continuing.

"N-now there is s-someone else in the picture who deserves you."

Plane ticket pokes out of Jaemin's jacket, Jeno notices. And realization comes crashing onto him.

"I'm going to the States, Jeno. I'm doing my master there."

...

Stars light the sky like snowflakes in the night, yet appear still, like an old photograph. Donghyuck blue smiles, feeling the wind blow his hair into a tousled small waterfall. His conversation with Mark still fulgurates in his mind, leaving only traces of pain and empathy intertwined in the web of complexity that life provides. Life provides many things; divinely beautiful to devastating painful. Donghyuck's luck is leaning to the latter side but he's strangely calm to the situation. His heart is far from doing okay, but his soul feels like working hard on regeneration in hopes to heal completely one day.

And heal it will but it takes a long way to the path of recovery; a way Donghyuck desperately wishes not to sidetrack from. His phone flashes a new message from a well-known ID owner.

' _I'll be tomorrow at the office. We need to talk._ '

He sighs responding with simple 'okay' praying it doesn't deal with what Doyoung keeps preaching about and he works the sentences in his brain to retort his older brother because he's God damn adult, not a child or a teenager who needs to be lectured about right and wrongs. 

Adjusting the valances over the half-open balcony his phone flashes another notification Donghyuck clicks on immediately without having a proper look at who could be the sender. His eyes scan letter by letter before he quickens steps to the front door opening in one swift move. Jeno is standing there; eyes red-rimmed and face wearing a tired facade looking like about to crumble any second. 

Without any word exchanged and for an obscure reason, Donghyuck takes him by a hand into his apartment closing the door behind them. And it all comes down. Their bodies pressed against each other, Jeno's strong arms tightening around his waist into strong grip while silent cries start to fill in previously comfortable silence in the room. 

Without much thinking, Donghyuck's own hands find their ways up Jeno's wide shoulders securely spreading across to provide any sort of comfort he could to the crying boy in his embrace. 

"H-he's leaving. M-my friend is leaving."

Donghyuck knew. Mark told him when he picked his things and bid goodbyes with the latter. No hope to sew a torn hole. It will rip apart eventually. So all Donghyuck could tell Mark is a 'see you on Wednesday' and 'goodbye, Mark'. That was the end. The end to what there was between them. The end to false hopes wading over Donghyuck.

He leans his head against Jeno's rocking him from side to side as the latter tightens hold even harder. Donghyuck will not disappear or slip through his arms, that's merely impossible.

Donghyuck will also not escape as soon as their embrace falters because this is what he desperately needs. Hope. Hope in the healing process of his soul and maybe his heart; with hands holding protectively at his sides he gently pushes Jeno's face off his shoulder to look at him.

Still attractive, he leans to Donghyuck's touch comfort busting through gentle palms holding his tired face. And they look into each other's eyes lost in momentum and trance.

"We know each other for, what? A week or two? Why did you come to me?"

It didn't take much effort to calculate two and two, but Donghyuck still wanted to hear his reasons. It is too early, but never early for any new beginnings. And Jeno firmly answers through tears hitting against Donghyuck's skin. He wants to feel **_needed_**. 

" _I need you_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's it for this chapter. I know. Really lazy of me to write like a couple of words and name it shamelessly a whole chapter. But, it made me only realize that the last two chapters will be better than altogether combined until now, lol :DDD
> 
> Comments are much welcome and appreciated:***


	11. Realization

They sit there, talking, Johnny, Mark, and family gathered. Only interested in keeping the conversation going - heaven forbid there be a pause. Their oldest aunt says something - followed by Johnny's pretendedly interesting response. Johnny says something - family members politely laugh. Neither of them talking about the things that really matter: The deepest secrets, the hidden pain, or what brings them together. There they are: completely blind to how superficial this conversation really is.

No one cared about Mark harboring sorrow over his mother's absence for many years; primordial feeling of genuine care and comfort. It was all he could think of to keep the sanity in check, his mother's hands on his cheeks when he would pout over ice cream he badly wanted or when he would cry because he was made fun of at school for stuttering. There she was, always to welcome him in the warmth of her embrace - pure love and protection which Mark hadn't felt in a long time. 

There are different types of love, but he lost already two - mothers and Donghyuck's. Although he's pretty sure the latter's still loving him, Mark dared not to cling to a fantasy of happily ever after. He fucked up, he repented but most importantly he wanted to become better. And he wanted this time to be better for himself, then others. Then Donghyuck, as a friend. Hoping to become more than friends would be selfish, and would going back to old habits Mark strongly wants to grow apart of.

Jaemin has left as well. There is no hope and use to find solace in someone else; it ended the way it was expected to end. Hurting more people along.

They swore to keep in contact hence they will continue to at least try and cultivate their hopefully, friendship; no hard feelings to be harbored, no regrets to keep them at bay.

His absence in conversation must have gone noticed by all presented people in the room to hear his father cough and begin.

"Mark, why are you being silent? Your aunt and uncle are here, you should be respectful."

It didn't mean to sound commanding but Mark knew his father better, but nevertheless remained quiet. This apparently added fuel to the invisible flame increasing tensions to immense heights when Johnny, father's biggest pride jumps in.

"I'm sure Mark's tired, dad. Aunt, uncle - don't mind him. I've heard him last night studying 'till late hours."

To Johnny's lame excuse comes father's loud 'tsk' in a mocking tone fueling anger that has been boiling in Mark for quite some time. He hated his guts, and he hated Johnny for thinking he needed his help. He didn't. Because he didn't care what his self-entitled father thought or did he care for his entitled opinions.

"Music is no path to a bright future. I hardly believe he has anything to study at least not as half hard as you did, Johnny. To think that one son is becoming a...musician, really disappointing."

Mark's aunt picked up the tension and Mark's guts twisted at that look of pity she gave him when her hand comes to rest against the table cloth, her husband silently watching all present members at dinner. 

"Don't say that, Sanghoon. Music is a beautiful branch of art. If your child loves it and wants to become a musician, you as a parent should support it, not degrade it."

"This family has a reputation to keep untarnished. We didn't work for generations to build it up just to have a black hole swallow all efforts and diligent work done so far. In our family generations of doctors have passed through, and one comes to stray from the path and does something that's completely useless. Music, a branch of art. I'll be damned if he's talented enough to achieve anything. I don't even think he'll make it big like ever."

"Dad, stop please."

Mark sat there listening to his own father's words, pride hurt as much as his heart wounded was for many years. Is this really his father? No, it wasn't his first time hearing these words but to be completely humiliated in front of his brother, aunt, and uncle - this is a level of lowness even Mark wouldn't stoop on. His anger rose up because the words were getting to him, and because he missed his mother now most than ever. 

Tomorrow is her anniversary, tonight all hell breaks loose. And Mark wants to be loose, unleashed and free. But the words are cutting deep into walls he worked on building brick by brick so hard. If only Donghyuck was...no, he lost Donghyuck. He doesn't have anyone to comfort him. He is truly alone, and he deserves to be..and maybe his father is right. Maybe he's bound to suffer and become a part of the nothingness. But one thing he'll never allow himself to do is to play his father's puppet. 

Sensing the potential danger that has clung to the air, Mark's aunt rises from the table and slams one hand against it.

"Listen, Sanghoon. I wish I had the ability to have children, I really do. You are blessed to have two sons, two really good sons. Mark's as much of your son as Johnny, and I cannot tolerate the way you treat your child."

This took by surprise all four of the men sitting and watching aunt's outburst completely flabbergasted as she was known to be rather self-possessed and calm, but this is far from the reaction Mark was expecting. And he for one moment saw a mother in her eyes. She looked back into his own, years of regret swimming in depths of her black irises as she continued.

"Your child here...lost a mother at a very young age. Have you ever comforted your child after his mother passed away? Have you ever told him that you love him and made him feel like he's your child as well?"

Johnny looked back and forth between Mark and his father knowing his father's animosity towards Mark's life decisions, but he really wondered if animosity dates since earlier. Mark never felt so small in the room where the air became insufferable. One would find it funny, the dining room was as spacious as someone's whole apartment but to Mark, it felt like the tiniest space he's been trapped inside and he could feel the sweat building at the nape of his neck when a hand came in contact with his oddly cold one.

His brother looked at him exhaling in one go all the air out of his lungs almost sounding like an exasperated sigh when their father started to object.

"Don't be ridiculous, Sooyoung. Of course, I told him I love him, he's my son."

Sanghoon's eyes traveled to Mark's head lowered and shielded from his eyes. Mark could feel them and it started to irk his entire body. His father was a complete liar.

"No, you didn't. You never told me you love me, dad. I never heard it from you, and I never even felt the tiniest hope that you could possibly love me. It was my mom who loved me, her, and no one else in this damned property you call home."

He left his father speechless but instead giving him an opportunity to collect himself and counter Mark continued.

"Home left this place the day my mom left this world. I do not want and will not allow her anniversary to be destroyed over this hatred that lingers in the air."

It was comical - the gasp coming out of his father's lips sounded so amateur but at the same time vulnerable Mark thought for a split second he finally managed to catch him off guard. 

"Don't be ridiculous, I do love you. How could I-"

"You don't love me, father. You do hate me, admit it. Because I am the only one who is not what you want me to be."

Johnny visibly tenses against his shoulder. It wasn't meant to be a muster, but Mark could care less what his brother felt right now. He could care less when Johnny cared none all these years, being distant to his little brother he used to protect while they were kids. Being married to Taeyong and having a demanding job rubbed off on Johnny's persona giving nothing much than disappointment in Mark's eyes. 

He abandoned him. A brother he swore he'd keep protected. Not neglected.

Johnny turned to his father mustering enough self-composure to speak.

"I think it's time for Mark and myself to go. Please excuse us."

Mark only scoffed. 

"I'm not going anywhere with you. In fact, I've packed my stuff already and I'm going to temporarily live with Jungwoo and Yukhei."

"Mark, please-"

To this Mark stands up not caring how his aunt and uncle looked at him with sadness or how his father looked absent as well as how Johnny had the audacity to look hurt.

"I'm done with this family. I'm done with being miserable because of you. I've lost enough people in my life to let myself fall further into misery because of the superficial people I am supposed to call my family. I'm done with all the shit I'm supposed to put up with because you're my father and you're my brother. I'll reconsider talking to you if you ever come to apologize properly because that's the least you could be decent about. I at least deserve an apology. For neglect and for humiliation all these years. I will not fail myself and be who you want to create. You'll either accept that or you'll never speak to me again. I'm not your son nor am I your brother until I do not feel you treating me like a son - and a brother."

And Mark was gone. So was Johnny's wounded heart swirled in a whirlpool of regrets coming to the surface. He looked to his left where his father sat; trying his utmost hardest to not react on repulse. He excused himself as well, steps feeling heavier the more distant he is. 

Aunt's sniffs catch Johnny's attention immediately. She looked so broken and so sad in the subtle embrace of her husband.

"I wish I was there for this boy. Gosh, I let this happen all because I didn't want to intervene. Why didn't I do anything? Why? What kind of aunt am I?"

Her whimpers turned into full sob tugging at Johnny's heartstrings because he wondered the same. What kind of brother he was; he is?

...

"Is something going on between you and Jeno, Donghyuck-ah?"

It was expected. He expected Doyoung to ask him this question, and still - it annoyed the hell out of him.

"What makes you think that way? Just because you saw him one morning in my apartment doesn't mean there's something going on between us."

Doyoung held both hands rised as if surrendering, not wanting this to turn into a heated debate. He simply explains.

"I didn't mean anything bad, Hyuck-ah. It's just that, besides seeing him then you two seem to be closer than usual. When I came to your office earlier today to talk, you held his hand. It isn't my right to stick my nose where it doesn't belong but I'm just worried, you know that. Please don't let this be a reb-"

"Please don't. He's going through hard times and I just happened...to be there, because he was there for me as well. We just grew closer."

An unknown glint in Doyoung's eyes sets an uncomfortable feeling in Donghyuck's stomach. Doyoung sighs as his phone go off suddenly.

"It's Jaehyun. He's asking me to come back. But don't think this conversation is over, it's not. How about you come to me tonight so we can have a nice dinner and talk, hm? I promise I won't pester you, I just want to treat my little brother nicely and to have a nice dinner. It's been a while, hasn't it?"

Donghyuck rolls eyes at Doyoung's overly excessive fondness but nevertheless nods when his older brother's hand combs few strands hanging at the edges of his face. It is true brotherly fondness and he can't help but feel grateful to have such a brother in his life.

"I'll come then."

Before Doyoung exits the room completely, he turns and smirks in a playful manner.

"You know, you and Jeno wouldn't look so bad if I'm being honest. He's quite a catch if I must admit."

His giggles turn into a shriek when a registrar hits against the wall near his head giving him enough time to escape and close the door with a loud bang.

Donghyuck's head throbs so do his ears, and maybe a little bit heart. He would kill Doyoung in a heartbeat right now. For mocking him about Jeno. Because thoughts on how it would feel to have someone again in his life couldn't leave him alone. And he hated how a certain man appeared in front of his eyes as clear as the sky. 

His daydreaming soon got interrupted by a notification on his phone. He checks it realizing what time has come.

He needs to meet with Mark. 

...

It's the look that Donghyuck gives to Jeno. Those warm, dark-brown eyes, probing into his soul, desperately wanting to see what's going on in there. It's the way he sits by Jeno's side, listening to his words. Donghyuck's compassion burns stronger than any pain that has corroded his heart. It's the look that he gives to Jeno, telling him, "I know how you feel; and when you're ready, you can talk to me." It's the hand upon his shoulder, the realization that Jeno's not alone. And this time, he isn't here to judge as most would do. He is here to help.

To help him get over the years of sacrifices. For Jaemin, for his family; selfless devotion and love. It got him all warm and fuzzed, it got him to feel appreciated, acknowledged. Donghyuck gave him attention, and Jeno liked the way attention feels. The appreciation of every word he spoke with such care, memories leaving painfully beautiful traces in his heart.

He spoke about the way Jaemin loved him in a completely different way, and come to think of it - it's the very first time Jeno ever confirmed it out loud. 

And, although the pain is inevitable, he felt light as a feather to finally admit loud and firm; Jaemin and himself could never work out. They were platonic soulmates, they knew the way they breathe, the way they think. What they love and what they despise. How Jaemin likes his coffee or how Jaemin knows Jeno likes his tea. 

They absolutely knew everything about one another.

They just never meant to be the way Jeno wanted them to be. Lovers.

It helped to talk about it with someone, especially if that someone had the experience of such misfortune. Donghyuck's eyes expressed what thousands of words couldn't explain. Seeking warmth in one another's embrace come conflicting feelings, thoughts. But also some unexplained hope.

Jeno hoped for something, and he saw the reflection of the same hope in the latter's eyes.

Were they hoping for something? More? No, this was just an illusion of desperate men in pain. He couldn't let his heart do it all over again, and neither could Donghyuck's very own be ready to help them heal together. However, he couldn't oppose the idea. And Jeno hated himself, hated the way he couldn't calm the loud thuds of his heart upon seeing two warm orbs looking at him, or the way his body reacted the way it did.

They kissed. In the moment of the kiss, they were their pure and vulnerable selves. In that moment of the kiss, their chemistry became an ever-bright flame.

In Jeno's dream, he kissed Donghyuck last night. Jeno wants to kiss him. So he avoids him the entire day in the office. Suddenly he sees the boy occupying his mind rushing to the elevators. There seems to be something urgent given how fast he walked.

Just as he was about to turn around the corner in hopes of avoiding being seen by Donghyuck, someone stops him by holding onto his shoulder from behind. Turning around, Jeno's eyes widen, mouth agape.

Doyoung stands tall in from of him with an unreadable expression on his face.

"You and I need to talk, now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm deeply sorry. It took me like 3 months to post again. Life's hectic and so is mine, with a lot of work and now stress because of the constant earthquakes. I was supposed to post last week, but we were literally evacuated, and now I'm literally in another city.
> 
> Anyway, I'm preparing already the last 4 chaps, last 3 will be long-ass ones.
> 
> Hope you enjoy this...mixture of whatever this is, at this point Idk where this story connects anymore lol :DDD


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